100 Days of Happiness, Denial, Non Compliant Patient, Carry On...

February 25, 2011

The Good: What is “100 Days of Happiness”?  Its GENIUS I tell you, GENIUS!!

It was given to me last week and its intended use is when I’m having a bad day and need a boost to get me out of a funk, I dip into a basket and retrieve a Day of Happiness, each of which contains a note and a present. 

This week was hard, I had to dip into day 1 and day 2 :(

100 Days of Happiness ROCKS, it made me cry Happiness tears and saved me a trip to emergency as I no longer had the urge to kick something really hard! 

The Bad: I knew surgery was part of the plan, I knew it would happen eventually, I knew all this yet somehow thought it would never happen, denial is a blessing that comes back to bite you.  Physically I’ll heal in time; emotionally the scars are now part of who I am, denial isn’t an option, and it hurts.

The What the ??? She looked at me in disbelief “what do you mean you stopped taking your pain meds, you can’t do that”.  I told her the side effects were worse than the promised benefits, she looked stunned... then I remembered that we are relatively new to each other, and she is not familiar with me being labelled a “non compliant patient” when it comes to taking medication, she'll learn as the others did...  

My surgeon has now joined the ranks of those who want to give me a gentle slap J 

Relax readers; stop shaking your heads... I got a new prescription for pain meds and will give these a shot!

Lessons Learned: A nurse approached me wanting to share her story; she too was in a position where the odds were not promising for a bright shiny outcome. She gets it; the pain, frustration, not wanting to endure one more procedure, the fear... she can see all of that and more in my face.  Her story reminded me why I’m doing this, her hug sealed the deal that I’ll move on to the next step, and her smile spoke more than her words ever could. 

I will carry on...

Touch, Robots, Party, YUCK...

February 18, 2011

The Good: I felt the pressure of the Nerve Block in my back, I tried to escape my brain so I wouldn’t move, she asked if she could hold my hand, the Anaesthesiologist continued.  I was worried I’d squish the hands that would cut me open in a few minutes, she told me not to worry as I held on tight. 

The Bad: I feel like I’m a robot going through the motions I’ve been programmed to do...

The What the ??: Surgery is done, 1:00am I’m still awake, why is it so loud, what the heck are they doing out there???  I then said to the person on the other side of the curtain “Hi, my name is Jean, I’m assuming you’re awake”, we ordered toast and attempted to chat over the commotion outside, a party that we weren’t invited to.  4:00am I went to sleep, 5:00am I’m awoken to begin my day, hospitals are exhausting!!

Lessons Learned: Flat on my back being wheeled to the OR, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, I should have kept my eyes closed; the condition of our hospital ceilings continues to haunt me, YUCK!

Pickles/ Gnomes and Toes, Game Shows, Journey’s, Control...

February 11, 2011

The Good: What made me smile...?

A man calling a woman “Mon Petit Cornichon” – it’s not the same calling someone “My Little Pickle” in English... actually, now that I’m writing this I kind of like both. 

Movie preview where you see the little Gnome from behind running through the yard in his sumo wrestling ensemble

Running through the halls of my apartment building wearing something somewhat embarrassing, I hope I don't get caught while dumping my trash... As I was heading back, I heard the “ding” of the elevator, my heart started to race, not enough seconds to take one and glance back, I bolted which can be challenging wearing slipper boots, grabbing the doorknob I slipped in just in time, but then I stubbed my toe in all the excitement, clearly it would have been easier to just change my freakin clothes!

The Bad: I’m on an emergency waiting list for overnight surgery, have been since Monday.  It feels like a game show where each Day represents a Door you can open, and on the other side is either nothing or a surgeon holding a knife, and surprisingly, I’m hoping for the Day/ Door with the knife.

The What the ??: I never quite understood why they refer to Cancer as a “Journey”, probably because I’ve always associated a “Journey” as being something good, something I choose to take or go on.

I guess the point is that life if full of “Journey’s” and that doesn’t necessarily mean a smooth one...  

I can’t guarantee I won’t cringe the next time someone says “Good Luck On Your Journey” but I will think of it in a different light, and look forward to the end... must remember to check my ticket to see when my flight home is booked from my “Moonstone Journey” J

Lessons Learned: It’s very difficult to let go of being in control of my body, and I know I have to, and I’m struggling with that...

Good Guys, 1 2 3 Jump, The Incredible Hulk, Dodging Bullets...

February 4, 2011

The Good: My oncologists seem to be on top of things and true to their word, I need someone who will push the system to get me what I need, not just what’s available... I think I have that with them, and to date, they have not appeared in “The Bad” section of this Blog which gives them bonus points, don't let me down boys!.

The Bad: Chemo treatment for Friday (today) has been cancelled... I experienced some bad side effects yet didn’t expect treatments to stop, wasn’t prepared for that one. 

The next step will be whoever can jump the highest wins!  Translation: whoever is free first will determine the next steps, surgery, radiation, chemo... 

Surgeon: Meeting has been scheduled to discuss further

Radiation Person #1: Declined to make an attempt at a jump given she has never made a jump like this before

Radiation Person #2: TBD – He has made a jump like this before, but he’s not assigned to me, must work at changing that

Weekly Chemo: Not recommended at this time

The What the ??: I was in the elevator the same day I got the news that the treatment plan would take a new direction... Translation: Fuck, just when I started to feel like there’s a method to this madness and I can do this, something changes once again, give me a fucking break!!

Back to the elevator...

And the setting goes something like this:  4 people including myself, cute dude who’s probably visiting a chick as he keeps playing with his hair, quiet dude who’s thinking about world peace or something massive like that, me who’s thinking “please refer to above translation that starts with F...”, and the Incredible Hulk who’s chatting to nobody in particular about what else, the snowstorm, as we try to appear interested, except for world peace guy, he doesn’t fake interest...

If I didn’t mention earlier, the Incredible Hulk, not the real one, the one in the elevator, is about 6ft4, built like a tank, and wearing a lot of bright green, if you’re familiar with our military uniforms you know what I’m talking about...

The Hulk is the first to get off the elevator, and as he’s leaving he glances my way and says “Hey, it could be worse, people could be shooting at us”.

Lessons Learned: “Hey, it could be worse; people could be shooting at us”. 

And so I stood in that elevator thinking if that would be worse, people shooting at us... I guess it would be... the Hulks comment totally caught me off guard; even the world peace guy cracked a smile J.