Eavesdropping, Privacy, Tokens, HopScotch...

August 26, 2011

The Good: The waiting room in the radiation unit is often busy, and you can easily find yourself on top of someone else’s conversation... “I’d do anything if I could go home and enjoy a beer, I bought some Guiness but couldn’t get it down” or “I can’t wait for my hair to grow back so I can feel more like myself again” or “my boys in the radiation unit take such good care of me” or “I hope I can enjoy food again and not have to rely on liquid meals” and the chatter goes on and on...   

Nobody talks about money, jobs, or how so and so or such and such has wronged them... conversations are light; many of us just want to get back the simple things we had. 

The Bad: When you buy a ticket to Cancer Land, you check your privacy at the door.  It’s hard to know where to look as you may lock eyes with someone who’s face is wet from tears, a man who weeps by his mothers bedside, or an elderly person who’s lost their way wandering aimlessly with an open gown... even alone in the room where they radiate, when you have a few minutes to try and escape your brain, you know someone is watching.

The What the ???: It seems hospitals aren’t complete without the token cranky bitch at reception, and the radiation unit is no different. 

I’ve stood my ground when her inner demons emerged, and I didn’t back off when her head bowed and I got a glimpse of her horns... can you blame me that I shared this with the coordinator who asked for feedback on how my “radiation experience” could be a more enjoyable one... tsk tsk, apparently you’ve shown your pitchfork to others, no sooner had I started to speak that they knew what the problem was and who it was with. 

How about you trade in your sharp tongue for a pair of white fluffy wings... keep the horns though, you can hang your halo off it.

Lessons Learned: Many of you saw Jack Layton’s last letter to Canadians, the last paragraph chalked onto the sidewalk a few blocks from home...

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”

When I think of chalk, I think of hopscotch, and now these chalked words are spilling into my boxes.  Loving: spending time with friends; Hopeful: your rock will land on the right square; Optimistic: you won’t tip over picking it up.

Life is a game and the outcome could be determined by how well we play it; I hope I don’t tip over :)

Feelings, Blank, Procedures, Sugar...

August 19, 2011

The Good: Sometimes all it takes is a familiar voice, someone who knows you, someone that makes you feel like yourself, to make you feel like someone who doesn’t have cancer.

The Bad: Our eyes met as we crossed at the entrance of the radiation unit.  She wore a blank stare, her chest raw and swollen, blood under the skin, and she was badly burned; I became blank as I walked in for my treatment. 

The What the ???: If you are part of the ride program (which I am) and if you have other appointments adjacent to the radiation  appointments (which I do), the radiation appointments are “locked in” and won’t change... this is according to the brunette across the desk who’s filling me in on how things work. 

My “locked in” appnt got changed last minute, which left me scrambling to change my physio appnt, which left me scrambling to change the pick-up time for my ride, which left me asking the blond across the desk what happened to the “locked in” appointment rule... to which she replied “it’s locked in unless we need to change it”. 

Am I the only one who finds this procedure slightly obscure???  How about you tell me nothing, that way I’ll expect nothing...  

Lessons Learned: She’s elderly, perhaps in her 80’s, and we chat about hair loss and how she is struggling with looking old as a result, I like her.... and she bitched about the “cancer caps” which made me like her even more :)

Older people seem more comfortable saying what’s on their mind; they don’t waste time sugar coating crap.   

Rides, Cults, Stickers, Fists...

August 12, 2011

The Good: I signed up for a ride program offered by the Cancer Society, a program I previously didn’t think I was eligible for, thanks to a friend I checked it out again since radiation appointments every day for 5 weeks is a long stretch to bum rides or bus it.  While making small talk on the first day, I asked my driver what her motivation was for volunteering for this service... She is one of 12 siblings, 8 of those siblings were diagnosed with cancer, and 4 survived, 4 died.  Yup, she’s familiar with cancer, and so much for my “small talk” distraction. 

My driver arrives on time; get’s me to and from my appointment in one piece, doesn’t get all crazy if I’m having a bad moment, and we share the love of travel... life is good.

Adios OC Transpo... for now I’ve got a new set of wheels but I’ll surely miss your speeding through the downtown streets, your sudden stops that threaten whiplash, and I’ll especially miss your sunny disposition when someone asks you a question.

The Bad: Most people would agree that cults are not good; at least those of us who look in from the outside, but the people inside see things different, they embrace what they are told to be good without reason.

Cancer Centers are kind of similar with slogans like “Bald is Beautiful” or the “Chemotherapy Journey” that features a man and a women walking hand in hand through the woods, and my favourite, “What’s bothering you, why are you upset”. 

There is nothing beautiful about chemicals so harsh your hair falls out, rarely did I have the urge to walk hand in hand with anyone after chemo although the woods are convenient for puking, and I’ll give you three guesses as to what’s upsetting me, and the first 2 guesses don’t count. 

While I’m not looking for doom and gloom when I enter these units, I am expecting some sense of reality... so as much as you say all is well in Cancer Land, I’ll continue to look in from the outside as don’t see a place for me, thanks for the invite though!

The What the ???: The machine they use for radiation is covered with stickers... pretty blue dolphins, sparkly hearts and swirly party favours that you can stare at while getting radiated. 

Is this supposed to distract me from what’s going on??? Please, I’m not 5, and as far as I know this is not used for children... I was then asked what kind of music I’d like; they recommended “The Big Chill”. 

I recommend a good stiff drink upon arrival; maybe two... some mind altering drugs, heavy metal music... and perhaps then I’ll enjoy the sticker show.

Lessons Learned: No matter how much you try to manipulate a situation, look at it from different angles or pound your fists against the wall, it is what it is so leave it at that, your fists will thank you in the long run...

United, Coins, Markings, Wine...

August 5, 2011

The Good: I’ve reached a point where I’m fed up with hospitals, treatments, the whole cancer package... Its official, I HATE CANCER!!!

Throughout this process, what has helped me the most are the people in my life who just stand by me... they don’t offer false hope or expectations, they don’t try to convince me I shouldn’t be sad or upset, they don’t try to change how I feel, they listen and let me be me, whoever I might be on that day, they let me be that person with no judgement.

United I stand, Divided I fall...

The Bad: He said to me “I worry about you when I don’t see you, but when I see you I feel ok, you look strong...”

I feel strong most days, but I do investigate the odds and what my outcome may be, and statistically speaking the coin is weighted but I’m hoping to catch life on the flip side of those stats. 

The What the ???: So I’m feeling a bit whimpy after getting my “markings” , maybe my nerve damage is worse than I think so I speak to my physiotherapist about the experience.  She has a patient covered in tattoos who said the “markings” hurt more than any ink she’s had done, hmmmm... apparently others have complained about how painful it is as well.

I’m thinking that anyone who works with these “markings” and whoever came up with this marvellous idea should try them so they know firsthand how it feels and can explain the experience better to patients... then the conversation would go something like this: “I’m going to take this long pin and stick it in you, then I’m going to move it around and leave some dye behind marking the spot, I’m going to do this to you approx. 7 times in various spots and it’s going to hurt.”

I can go to a shady tattoo parlour and feel less pain than at a major hospital who can’t invest in a tool not unlike a tattoo gun... If you look into the eyes of a cancer patient you’ll see we’ve gone through a lot, in the end, I guess it’s the all mighty buck that influences our system in many ways.  And what’s a little more pain to people like us... as I’ve been reminded on many occasions; I should just be thankful to be alive. 

Suck it up Buttercup and keep your mouth shut, you’re not going to change the system, smile like the good cancer patient that you are...

Lessons Learned: Blueberry Picking fell through, the place was closed, but if you drive around enough in the Navan area you’ll come across a winery, what a pleasant surprise for someone like me who’s trapped in her downtown bubble! http://www.domaineperrault.ca/ourhistory.html