Resolutions, Buttercups, Marcel, Degrees of Happiness...

December 30, 2011

The Good:  Good riddance 2011, Hello 2012, it can only be better, right? 

In my 45 years on this planet I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution, until now. 

My new year’s resolution for 2012 is to put the past year behind me, really behind me... I will treat my body like a project and tackle one problem at a time, fix it, then move on to the next.  I will not stop at road blocks; I’ll simply climb over them and continue on.  I will do what makes me happy and walk away from what doesn’t.  I will love harder than I ever have in the past.

The Bad: ‎ My eye won’t stop tearing, it actually burns the outside corner of my eye and leaves a small red mark.  I’m told it could be a number of things, most likely a delayed side effect from chemo, possibly a blocked tear duct and I should see an Optometrist to confirm. 

The Optometrist checks everything BUT what I came for, and when I ask about the tearing, which is why I came in the first place, she shares a story of her mother who complained of the same thing after her cancer treatments... I’m assuming she’ll share something her mother did that helped, but she doesn’t, the conversation ends like that.  I ask about a referral to an ophthalmologist, and she explains how busy they are, and it would take some time for me to get in, and I should probably just wait it out; easy for her to say given she doesn’t have toxic tears streaming down her face...

So the morale of this story is nobody cares about what they consider to be the small stuff, nobody thinks it’s worthwhile to figure out why something happens or what they could do to make it better, she could have just said “Suck it up Buttercup” from the start and saved us both some time.

I leave her office with a yellow buttercup type ring beneath my eye left from the dye she used, I watch her back out of the driveway and make her way to whatever it is she must do, she drives by and I know she’s forgotten about me, and I continue walking but I’m not thinking I should suck it up, I’m thinking I’ll add this to the list of what I need to figure out on my own...

The What the ???: I’m talking to Marcel, random guy who approaches me on the street, he’s 75 and talks about some of his accomplishments.  One accomplishment in particular that he is most proud of, even though it is far from being the impressive one on his list, is some work he did on a downtown street, not really laying the cement but adding some sort of cement necessity???  He showed me what he meant on the cement in front of us... I still don’t know what it is but that doesn’t really matter, it’s about how he felt by creating something purposeful that is still around today.

We chat some more about people, music, and life, and then part ways...  while I enjoy the company of family and friends, there’s something nice about chatting with strangers; they know nothing about me and I can just be that random someone for however long that random moment lasts.   

Lessons Learned: This time last year I was going for chemo treatments, sliding into and out of that squeaky vinyl chair and watching the bag release the drip drip into my arm.  Same time this year I’m struggling with side effects, physically and emotionally from the year gone by and I realize there are varying degrees of happiness, and while I wish I never had to see the face of cancer, I’m in a better place right now than I was one year ago today.

Elevator Operator, Reflections, Jibberish, Chill and Relax...

December 23, 2011

The Good: I’m on my way to get a blood test, and along with several other people, we pile into the elevator taking us to whichever floor it is that will take care of our medical needs. 

There’s a boy around 2 years old, and his face lights up with each additional body that enters this box... it’s not like Santa was one of the passengers so I’m confused as to why he’s so excited??

We are all inside, and one by one we tell the little guy which floor we want to go to, and he excitedly presses the appropriate button with the assistance of Mom.  Disappointed when the last person gives their floor, he then moves on to other buttons, such as “open door”, “close door” and “emergency”... I got off on one of the lower floors so I didn’t get to see how this pint sized elevator operator handled the button restriction placed on him, but he did put a smile on my face which I shared with the women who later sucked out my blood.

The Bad: ‎I was having a bad moment at the pharmacy, and I didn’t have the energy to argue, nor did I have the composure to explain the circumstance to them both, I wished for once it could just be easy... and I could feel the stares from the line-up behind boring into my back so I simply left.  I left without what I came for feeling defeated by not having gone that extra mile to be heard, by having to share personal details of my life with the rest of the fucking store, and I started to cry as I made my way out of the building. 

A man in a suit is passing, and I can see him start to smile then not, I can see in the reflection from the glass in front of me that he stopped and looked back, either to consider approaching me to offer assistance, or he realized he knew who I was.  I thought about stopping as I recognized him, that I should ignore the tears visible on my face and say hello; but I never turned back, and I pushed his reflection out of the way as I went through the glass doors.  

The What the ???: He seems to be high on more than just life while writing in the condensation on the window.  The first three lines appear to be gibberish and I go back to eating my bagel.  I glance up again and catch his last sentence, it reads “No = Cancer”. 

It’s like he was some sort of crazy messenger, and I wished I’d approached him to ask for a translation of his earlier gibberish, but it doesn’t take long for words to melt on windows and they all started to drip away...

Lessons Learned: Christmas is coming and there’s no escaping the increase in road rage, malls filled with stressed out zombies, and conversations beginning with “are you ready for the holidays”...  perhaps if we all take a moment to just “Chill” and “Relax” that’s all we need to prepare.

Flying High, Snowflakes, Escaping, “Wow” Moments...

December 16, 2011

The Good: I had to get fitted for a compression arm band crap thingy...

And you’re thinking “what the heck is good about this??”

I try on the “standard” type compression arm band crap thingy and I’m not lovin it. I ask if it comes in other styles and she says “yes, I’ll get them for you”...   

She brings out a different style and its ok, but I’m not diggin the poopy beige color. 

I know, you’re still thinking, “what the heck is good about this?”

I then ask “does it come in black?”  “Yes” she replies “it does come in black but not in stock”... so I say, “Please go ahead and place the order.”

I only have to wear this if I fly but it’s gotta be comfortable, and what’s wrong with making it look good too, “fuck standard”!

So “what the heck is still good about this?”

I feel like I’m one step closer to being able to see more of this crazy world we live in...

The Bad: ‎ We chat casually until someone mentions I have cancer and I can see her face change, it becomes softer, and she’s careful now with her words, like she doesn’t want them to damage me. 

She asks if I live my life differently now, as if I’ve seen this bright light, angels and wings guiding me, and she waits for me to say something profound...

I have cancer, which doesn’t mean I’m like a snowflake that is destroyed the moment you touch it, I’m stronger than that so please don’t change your words for fear I’ll melt.

She waits for me to say something profound, and I don’t.

The What the ???: The holidays are meant for spending time with family and friends, exchanging gifts, and being thankful for what you have... and all I want to do is escape and get lost in a place where nobody knows my name.

Lessons Learned: If you lower your standards you’ll be disappointed less often which I guess is good.  If you expect less you could also miss out on some pretty good “wow” moments because you never held out, or looked for more, which I think is bad.

I’m not referring to the compression arm band crap thingy, I’m referring to life, and those “wow” moments that are worth expecting, wanting, and waiting for.   

Fake Tears, Status, Flash, Thumbs and Kneecaps...

December 9, 2011

The Good: For the first time in a long time I felt some relief in my body.  Was it from the acupuncture?  Was it from the terribly healthy diet gone terribly healthier?  Was it from the new exercises? 

Or was it just some force deciding I needed a Freaking Break???

I have no idea what changed what, and although I didn’t cry tears of joy over this, those fake tears that roll down my face from the eye drops were close enough!

The Bad: ‎ I’m having a conversation with a woman who has a not so common type of cancer, not so common as in hers doesn’t have the pretty pink ribbon attached to it like mine does.  She feels that if she had that “status” she’d get more attention, better follow-up, and perhaps greater results if only she had that ribbon. 

I assured her that you can be draped from head to toe in pretty coloured ribbons, even have them tattooed on your body as a symbol of where you’ve been, it makes no difference.  When you walk through those glass doors into the beige walls and lab coats, there are no favourites; we all have to fight from start to finish to be heard, to be noticed, and we all have to push our way through the system even after treatments are done.

The What the ???: Flash Back to company Christmas Party of the past... What will I wear?  Shall I shop for a new dress?  Does this hand bag go with this outfit?    

Fast Forward to company Christmas Party of the future... How many stares will I get from people I haven’t seen for a while?  How much pain will I be in and will I be able to hide it?  Will my make-up run because my eyes won’t stop watering from the lingering effects of chemo?

Lessons Learned: While cleaning out my e-mails, I came across this message from a friend of mine.

“One of the many things we humans share (other than thumbs and kneecaps) is that we all have problems.  Obviously some are trivial and some are most definitely NOT... But we all try to work through them the best we can. They influence us, taint us, scar us, but I think they help us too... only if we overcome them though. They certainly are a part of who we become as the years stream by.”

While this wasn’t a message related to my diagnosis of cancer, I read it as if it was, and I’ll keep it to read again.

Words In Music, His Words, Words In My Head, Eating My Words...

December 2, 2011

The Good: She talks about a trip to Paris, the people she met, and as her fingers connect with the ivory keys, the story continues, soft notes playing in the background... new friends make their way to a nearby walk-up, five flights later they reach the top floor, and the champagne is flowing, and everyone is smiling, and she makes her way to the balcony wanting to hold onto this moment that seems so perfect, as if all the stars have aligned just for her.  The story then becomes a song describing how the night unravels, and she sings about that moment in her life. 

Her storytelling brought me to Paris, to her moment, and it made me think of my perfect moments from the past and I felt a longing that I want more of those.  But what surprised me was I realized I’ve had some very special moments even in what I refer to as the worst year of my life... and I listened to her sing the rest of that song feeling at peace.     

The Bad: ‎The appointment was not unlike other appointments, the usual follow-up questions, blah blah blah ... but some of his words are echoing in my brain and all I can see is his mouth moving, the sound has been removed.  It’s not that I disagreed with something he said, and it’s not that he’s insensitive in the way he said it, and it’s not that he said something I don’t already know, it’s the way he makes it so real, more so than if anyone else said those same words, and I hate that about him.       

The What the ???: I’m doing acupuncture for my arm, and I lay there chatting trying to forget I have needles sticking out of me.  The process doesn’t hurt; it just feels a bit strange.  We then talk about pressure points in the ear that can help with my arm, and I go home with 4 little thumbtack like needles placed around my ear and I think “what the hell am I doing!”

Lessons Learned: I’ve seen people walking with poles and thought that we’ve taken the simple act of walking and found a way to profit from it and make us look silly along the way.  Now I thought this without ever having tried it so really, who am I to judge?  Now I’ve tried it, and I liked it.  So mock me if you must, but I’m carrying a pole and I’m not afraid to poke you with it! 

Yoga, Yoga, Yoga, Yoga...

November 25, 2011

The Good: We are asked to put a block on our yoga mat, then place our bolster (rectangular cushion) on the block, followed by draping our bodies over the bolster back first, arms spread, staring up at the ceiling like a snow angel. 

All my body parts seem to be aligned; I close my eyes and wait for the next set of instructions. 

Her voice, very softly asks us to remain like this for as long as we like, and I do, not moving, just enjoying this feeling of peace and comfort, being that snow angel I once was but without movement... I can’t remember the last time my body felt this good.

The Bad: ‎She enters the yoga studio as if on a fact finding mission, me, I’m killing time on the stationary bike waiting for the instructor to arrive.  Not wanting to chit chat I go back to staring at my feet as they go round and round on the pedals. 

She adjusts the lights so that every bulb is blaring out of their sockets, and asks, “How’s this?”  I explain that the instructor usually keeps them on a low setting during class, and she replies in a military type tone, “fair enough, eye sensitivities must be considered, blah blah blah”, and I go back to staring at my feet. 

Partway through class I hear sounds from her direction, and the teacher checks in, she confirms it’s not the poses causing discomfort; rather it’s that her cancer has spread to her bones and any type of contact with the floor can be painful.    

Everyone in this class has cancer, which doesn’t mean I have to like them, yet I of all people should have had some empathy for her earlier, and rather than focusing on my feet which I can do anytime, I could have engaged more in conversation before class. 

I saw how she looked at the instructor, how her face changed when she spoke, and I got a sense that she was simply lonely; a side effect from cancer I’m all too familiar with.

I haven’t seen her since that class...

The What the ???: I’m guessing he’s a caregiver for someone who has cancer as they are allowed to attend as well; it’s not likely that he’s one of us. He’s younger than most in our class, muscular, fit, and I got a sense he’s good at whatever he does, he projects being a go getter kinda guy, or at least that’s what I see as he pumps iron before class begins. 

As do all classes we begin with a brief introduction, starting with our name followed by anything else we’d like to say... when it comes to him, he introduces himself, tells us he has just been diagnosed with cancer and completed his first treatment last week.  He also mentions he can be very intense, and that this is his 2^nd or 3^rd yoga class, it’s the best thing he’s ever tried, and that we’ll be seeing him on a regular basis as he’ll be attending as many classes as possible.

Lessons Learned: You’re never too old to be a snow angel, I could use a lesson or two on empathy, and looks can be deceiving...

Learning, Santa, Chimes, Respect...

November 18, 2011

The Good: I’ve learned the importance of looking you in the eye when I toast to any occasion, I’ve learned to hug you before you hug me, I’ve learned to take a step back in order to get somewhere faster, I’ve learned people are far more unique than I’d noticed before, I’ve learned it’s ok to ask for help, I’ve learned pain reminds me I can feel, I’ve learned other people hurt when I’m in pain, I’ve learned my anger towards cancer is my will to survive... I’ve learned I want to learn more.

The Bad: ‎I’m with my physiotherapist and we are reviewing progress, both of us doing that awkward scrunched up grin; “fuck, I wish I had better news” and “fuck, I wish I was doing better”... 10 steps forward, 20 steps back.

Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is 50 steps forward... and if that fits in my stocking, feel free to wrap up some extra 10 steps in gift boxes for under the tree, it’s cool if you don’t have time for fancy wrapping or bows, just the steps would be appreciated as is.   

Ps. While I don’t have a chimney, I do have 24hr security so feel free to leave the steps with them if I’m not around.

The What the ???:  A very special friend gave me a solar powered chime... it’s quite pretty yet I was puzzled as to how it would work.  Is it going to chime like crazy while the sun is out, and teeter off at dusk? Does it need to charge for a day to gain energy and then chime periodically in the days to come?  Do I get enough direct sun light to get this baby going??? 

                       
Throughout our visit it chimed every so often, and unlike a wind chime, it’s unexpected because there’s no wind to cue the chime, which makes it special when it does.  And then it got cloudy, and assuming it never got fully charged, the chimes stopped, and it hung there... and then she left. 

Shortly after her departure, there are still no chimes, and I’m writing an e-mail thanking her for the gift, saying how it hasn’t chimed since she left, and at that moment, it chimes, just for a short bit, but long enough to make me say “what the??” and then it was gone, and it hasn’t chimed since. 

Lessons Learned: She smiles when she sees me, genuine as she says “you look really good, how are you feeling?” 

We go through the standard question and answer period, blah blah blah... and then she asks “how are you doing on tamoxifen (nasty drug that keeps evil cancer cells away)?”  I explain that it didn’t work out, I gave it the old college try but in the end I’d rather take my chances out on the street. She lifted her arm and rested her elbow on the examining table beside her, I was in a chair across, she then let her head fall onto that same arm into her hand, her eyes down, but her face couldn’t lie, she genuinely cared what happened to me, or rather, she wasn’t afraid to show me that she did.    

She and I didn’t click on our first meeting, since then I’ve gotten to know and trust her judgement, that day is when she earned my respect.