Bat Cave, Flashbacks, Curly and Moe, Stitching...

May 6, 2011

The Good: I woke up in my bat cave from the sun... damn; I forgot to close my bedroom door.     I was laying in a position where it didn’t feel like I had a Rubik’s cube shoved under my armpit, my chest wasn’t like an elastic band ready to snap, my stomach wasn’t doing gymnastic tumbles, and my mind was calm... and for those few minutes before I moved, I remembered what it was like, what it was like before this crap took over my life.  I will be so freaking happy when I can feel this way again for more than a few minutes!!

The Bad: I get flashbacks... It starts with me sitting in that little pink room and he tells me I have Inflammatory Breast Cancer, and he can’t look at me, and she’s grabbing my arm at the elevator, and I plead with her to let go, and she let’s go, and I go home, and I fall apart, and I make phone calls in between gasping for air... the show continues with blood work, lung x-ray, CT Scan, MRI, Biopsy, PICC Line insertion, blood clots, chemo, emergency surgery, physio, more chemo... I have no idea when the credits will roll. 

These flashbacks are compartmentalized into slide shows, and they keep adding slides, and the movie get’s longer, and I want to walk out... this movie should never have been made, I’m forced to watch it though, and I’m going to burn it once I’m done.

The What the ???:  I have two oncologists; I refer to them as Curly and Moe.  Curly is British and “Nutty” is how I would describe him, Moe is calm and Zen-like, they complement each other in a very unique way.   What I like best is they treat me like “Caloren/ Jean, depends on the day”, not a number, not a cancer patient, but as a person... they speak to me and not to the disease.

There is a French Fry commercial where kids are sitting around the table talking about what else a French Fry could be.  The first kid says it could be a rocket ship, the second kid says it could be a princess, the third kid doesn’t say anything, he just looks perplexed that she’d say a French Fry could be a princess, this third kid is Curly... he’s got the same look, same expressions; my Curly though is taller with messier hair. 

My Curly has a personality, and he knows I have one as well, and sometimes he looks at me like the third kid in the commercial, perplexed by what I say, and I do the same with him, we don’t always see the French Fry the same way and that’s ok.

Lessons Learned: A close friend of mine sent me this quote; it’s exactly how I feel when I write these blogs, like I’m stitching myself back together after a long week... I’ve got to get a thimble though because I tend to prick my finger on a regular basis.

It's like my whole world is coming undone, but when I write, my pencil is a needle and thread, and I'm stitching the scraps back together." --- Julia Alvarez