What to do??, Dog Days, Toenail Polish, Exclamation Marks!...

January 28, 2011

The Good: It’s Friday, and typically I stick close to home, still feeling the effects of the last treatment...

Today I forced myself to get some air, the walk felt great, and 40 minutes later I ended up at work thinking I’d catch a colleague or two in the cafeteria. 

Not a familiar face in sight, the cafeteria is deserted!

Where is everyone???

What to do?  What to do??

Without much thought, I punched in xxx-xxxx ext xxx on my ancient flip phone (no offense Allan, I really like the phone, I’m just repeating what the guy at Rogers said, and yes, I finally activated it), anyway, back to the flip phone dial... and before you know it someone is in front of me offering big hugs and escorting me upstairs to visit the gang... I was hesitant about intruding the actual office space, haven’t been back since treatment started...

The Bad: New Chemo Treatment, New Side Effects...

I’m lying in the bath hoping the water and salts provide relief to my aching body; my head against the cold tile a reminder I need to stay awake, which is ironic because I can’t sleep.  I remove the plug with my big toe, not moving as the water drains, I envision all the pain and disease swirling away, and I feel numb... 

In the background the song “Dog Days are Over” by Florence and the Machine comes on the radio, it has a knack for making an appearance during those moments I need reminding that these days won’t last... my Dog Days will be over, and I’ll dance to this song when I’m done...

The What the ??: I came across this the other day while looking for tips on coping with treatments...

“There is nothing you can do about your hair falling out, or the fact that after a treatment you feel as though you are throwing up your toenail polish.”

Well put, but If I could change one thing in this statement it would be “...you feel as though you are throwing up someone else’s toenail polish.”

Lessons Learned: Visiting work today, a comment something like this was made... “I read your blog all the time, but it’s not the same as this, I am so happy to see you!”  I use an exclamation mark at the end of that statement because that’s how it was said, in their words and on their face...

I’m so glad I dialled instead of walking away... otherwise I would have missed this and all the other “exclamation” type moments.  

Wigs, Swimming, Earwigs, Body/Mind/Soul...

January 21, 2011

The Good: I bought a wig, wahoooo!! (see below for a sample).   

I must say though, I’m most comfortable without it, and I no longer cringe when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I feel like me again, just bald J . 

Having said that, it can be fun to wear a wig but I still prefer my hats, they cover my head, not my cancer, I’m ok with that now, you can look...

The Bad: I sometimes feel lost in the system, so many rules, things to remember, and the next person never says the same thing as the last person, and the person after that says something different... today I was asked to lie down in a bed for a new treatment rather than a chair which is what I’m used to, she said  it was in case I wanted to nap as the new stuff could make me drowsy, the chair reclines so I didn’t see any reason to switch, she said ok and bounced off... another nurse came by asking why I wasn’t in a bed, she said I needed to be in a flat position in case of an emergency, that explanation I understood and I moved, there is a slight difference between the two explanations... I asked about side effects from the new drugs, bouncy girl said there were none; the women sitting beside me receiving chemo gave me the real scoop... its times like this that I feel myself getting sucked in... So rather than going under, I get defensive, and by the time I reach that last person, I’m pissed at the one who’s giving me what I want. 

It scares me when I’m not informed, when I don’t feel like I’m doing everything I can to educate myself, prepare myself, and make the right choices, it scares me when I start to feel the water going over my head. 

I promised myself today that the next time I feel myself going under, I’ll take a moment and swim, then I’ll ask another person, and swim, and I’ll keep swimming until I get what I want...  I’m a strong swimmer; I’ll get to where I need to be, minus the defence on my end.

The What the ??: The name of the wig I bought was called “Natalie”, which happens to be the name of the person I went wig shopping with, yeah, I know, FREAKY!

This made me wonder, why do wigs get these names, and who’s Natalie??  So I googled: why do wigs have peoples names, and the first hit was: Do Earwigs Crawl in People's Ears and Bore into Their Brains ... 

No, I don’t know if there is a connection between wigs, earwigs, and my poor brain as I chose not to click on that link... I do know the next time I see one of those little buggers I’ll probably smile instead of going ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Lessons Learned: Wigs are FUN, defences are BAD, google at your own RISK, and long walks along the canal feed my BODY, MIND and SOUL in that order.

HE said SHE said, In Your Face, Justin Timberlake, Believing...

January 14, 2011

The Good: HE said SHE said...

"You were awakened because there is something you have to do, people to meet, places to see, enjoy life.  So I hope you realize that everything will be fine and truly believe it."

 "I read your blog & find it very insightful. Your experience has opened my eyes to see things I have not seen in awhile, if not ever’" 

The Bad: Cancer is "IN YOUR FACE"!

Sure, it's silent while it grows inside you, feeds off you, but then when it hits it hits you hard physically and emotionally, strips you down to nothing, taking pieces of you along the way... it then forces you to stand up, only to be knocked down again, which I find quite rude... Sometimes I play the "La La La La La" game where you can't hear them, while other times I want to take their hand and slam it in the door they so desperately want me to knock on.

The What the ??: I’m in the back of a pick-up truck making out with this guy under a plastic tarp listening to a heavy metal band playing a few yards away... I move on to the house party where Justin Timberlake (no, I’m not a fan) catches my eye... even though he has 3 legs and navy blue size 7 sneakers (yes, 3 of them), I’m oddly attracted... Me and Justin end up turning into sci-fi creatures and then it gets really freaky... but he’s a much better kisser than the cowboy dude in the truck earlier which was nice.

Why can’t I just dream about sunsets and bunny rabbits??

Lessons Learned: Sometimes you need something or someone to get IN YOUR FACE in order to get the strength to slam doors and fight back... I do truly believe that I’ll be fine.

CHECK Please, Faces, Car's, T-Shirts...

January 7, 2011

The Good: Chemo Treatment #4 - DONE (INSERT CHECK MARK) - that means I'm halfway through, and I've responded well so here's to CHECK, CHECK, CHECK, CHECK and done!!

The Bad:  When I look around the Chemo Unit at the different faces it hurts in a way I can't describe.  I don't know what they are going through, every treatment and person is different, but I do know it's hard, and some faces have seen very hard times, so much so I wish I could double my dose if that could give them a break.  I wonder if over time my face will become one of those that are hard to describe....

The What the ??:  You know when someone buys a car and you think you haven't seen many, then all of a sudden you’re seeing them everywhere... I bought the Cancer Car... I knew they existed but now that I have one they are everywhere, I can't go a day without seeing one on the news, hearing about one from a friend, or wondering whether mine will make it through the winter... I wouldn't recommend purchasing one: The warranty sucks, it get's shitty mileage and the paint job is chipped... I was told though that over time it will improve, I could get an extended warranty, the mileage get's better, and then I can get a nice new paint job.... but can you really trust a car salesman :)

Lessons Learned: I bought a T-Shirt that says "I don't give a Fu*K" (there's no star on the t-shirt, I added that for my underage audience and those who find the "F" word offensive)... It doesn't mean I don't care anymore, it means I've realized how many things don't matter, how many things we stress about that aren't worth it, the list is endless of what I now don't give a Fu*ck about, the list is short of what means the world to me...

Chocolate, Pain, Change, Listen...

December 31, 2010

The Good: My neighbour gave me a box of chocolates; on the back of the box it says "Dream It.  Believe It.  Live It". 

I Dream about coming through this a better stronger person
I Believe that will happen because I can't see anything else
I'll Live through this in order to make my Dream come true...

Life really is like a box a chocolates :)

The Bad: Cancer doesn't hurt, it's the treatment that's a killer...  a necessary evil I know, and one I'm dealing with, but on days like today it's hard to comprehend why there isn't a better way.... I'm dizzy, nauseous, every bone in my body hurts, my breathing is laboured, fever, voice weak, fingers/ toes are tingling/ numb, and my ribs are left feeling like a fight took place and I'm the one down for the count... I'm feeling like this from a shot I get to keep my wbc's high enough so the chemo doesn't wipe me out, literally.... and the answer to dealing with these side effects is to experiment with a cocktail of other drugs, a necessary evil I have yet to come to terms with...

The What the ??:  Today is Fri Dec 31st, I wrote "The Bad" on Tue Dec 28th... I can't believe how things change in just a couple of days.  I still have all of the symptoms above but on a much lesser scale that is manageable, and I'm no longer down for the count, I will go out kicking and screaming :)  Oh yeah, I still haven’t come to terms with that cocktail either :)

Lessons Learned: I find myself lately listening to people's eyes/ expressions rather than their words; I'm getting to know people better that way.  I guess the same can be said for me... earlier this week someone lay down beside me and gave me a hug without me saying a word, that's exactly what I needed at that moment and we stayed that way for a long time never saying a word...

Family and Friends, Christmas, Attitudes and Wigs, Life

December 25th, 2010

The Good: My family and friends are keeping me stocked up with food, check in's, chaufeur services, it's amazing... there are so many times I just can't wrap my brain around cooking, and voila, I open the fridge and there's something great to heat up... people driving me to appointments, stopping by for visits, sending me movies, books, loaning furniture, etc... I'm pretty lucky to have these people behind me, I say thank you all the time but it doesn't even begin to describe how much it means to me.

The Bad: It's Christmas, and I wish I didn't have Cancer...

The What the ??: I went to buy a wig which is somewhat of a difficult process for a number of reasons... the woman turned on the attitude by saying "Oh, you don't have any hair, this is going to be difficult"... I had explained over the phone when i made the appnt that I wasn't looking to match my previous look and that I'd already lost my hair, nobody said anything at that time... and these people deal with cancer patients regularly... wow!!  She made a point of mentioning at least 5 times that she didn't have much to work with...

hmmm, maybe she should have tried working with the person in front of her, just a thought...

Lessons Learned:  I keep thinking about a saying my mother used often while I was growing up.... "It's a great life if you don't weaken".  I never thought about it back then, I think about it a lot now and can hear her voice clearly as she's saying it.

Chemo, Nulasta Shots, Reality...

December 11, 2010

The Good: Added bonus, started losing my hair big time on Thursday, prior to that nothing, then BANG, it starts coming out in huge clumps and my scalp is killing me... what happened to “gradual hair loss/ thinning”.   I know, you’re thinking what’s so good about this... I don’t look as bad with short hair as I thought, and I may even be able to pull off a decent bald look.

The Bad: Had my 2nd round of Chemo yesterday, and my 2nd bone marrow shot... I still feel like this is a dream, only at night when everything is quiet and I have no appointments or phone calls to make does reality kick in and I know it's real and it scares the shit out of me, not literally but you know what mean...

The What the ??: Got a call this morning from my nurse wanting to know what was wrong with my pump... I actually had to think before I answered “I don’t have a pump”... nothing like feeling like a number, and a wrong number at that J

Lessons Learned: Even though I’m going bald I may be able to rock the look, I got hit with chemo/ bone marrow shot and I’m well enough to type, and the nurse who gave me my shot today treated me like a person and not a just a number, 3 friends called today to check up on me which always feels good, and things could be worse, I could have a pump, whatever that is!... so for the moment, life’s ok, and I’ll take that.