May 13, 2011
The Good: I’m reminded today by a wise man that survival, long term or short shouldn’t always be my focus, and I do get hung up on that, I get hung up on trying to do whatever I can to beat this and I think of nothing else, and I forget about the good days I have in between. I’m reminded today by a wise man that today can be good and that’s all we really have, nobody knows what’s in store long or short term, so I’ll enjoy today for what it is, good and bad, it’s mine.
The Bad: I’m back on daily chemo for the next 2 weeks and as I walked into that unit I felt the excess water coating my eyeballs, it’s been months since that has happened and I hated myself for not being able to control it... and I knew all it would take was for someone to say something nice and that excess water would spill; damn it, she saw the water retention in my eyeballs and she had to be nice... I hate being there, I hate feeling weak in that place; I hate that place.
The What the ???: I got drunk on Saturday... I know, it’s not responsible “Cancer Patient” behaviour but it felt good, and for that short time... ok, long time if you ask my brother; he may have said “this is the longest dinner I’ve ever had”... whatever, for that PERIOD of time, I wasn’t a cancer patient, I was having dinner with my family and friends, and the wine tasted good, and the food tasted good, and the conversation tasted good... I wasn’t in pain; I didn’t think about how I looked, I was just me for that PERIOD of time... The down side is there were witnesses, and I know it’ll take some time to live this down, and do I care, NOPE, from what I heard, I’m a happy drunk J
Lessons Learned: I can go through life with my fingers in my ears going “La La La La La” or I can focus on what direction I need to go on in “Cancer Land”. I think there’s a fine line between grown up me and childish me and I’m willing to criss/ cross over that line on a regular basis.
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