People, Same Shit/ Different Poison, Fallen Photos, Moving On ...

July 1, 2011

The Good: Had my physio assessment... major tissue damage, locked muscles, but no frozen shoulder, the therapist is hopeful we can fix this... 

During the assessment, we went through the “standard” hospital questionnaire that I’m all too familiar with.  We get to the section of “are you married” and “do you have kids”, to which I reply “No” and get the same worried look, as in, “you have nobody”.

 People assume that because you’re not married your alone.  During surgery I had someone by my side the entire day, from 10:00am to 11:00pm ignoring visiting hours, I don’t even think they pee’d!  My roommate on the other hand had a visit from her husband for all of 15 minutes, 5 of which were spent on his phone, he then left and said he’d try and come back tomorrow. 

Hospital “rules” didn’t allow someone to be with me unless they were a spouse or family, we found another nurse and played the game, and voila, I had a husband, so much for honesty... screw you and your rules, and I’ll get around them!!!

I have family and friends from childhood, men and women I’ve known since I was a kid that still walk with me... we’ve evolved, or I guess we just grew up together... I can hear the years we’ve shared together in their voice when we talk, more than before, in between hidden tears and stifled chokes I can hear how much I mean to them. 

I’ve had romances/ loves, real ones that are still with me.... Friends I’ve met along the way, the ones I walk with, talk with, share with, and who have become part of my present...

Your forms and opinions mean nothing to me, I have PEOPLE!!

The Bad: I’m on my break from chemo yet the shadow of radiation and more surgery sometimes clouds my excitement.  It scares me to think I’ll go from one poison to another, from one risk to another, from one pain to another... it’s hard to keep dancing when your feet know what direction they must soon go in...

 The What the ???: I was in my cubicle at work, and it’s as if time stood still from the day I left.  The project I was working on that day remains where I left it, my shoes still hanging from my shoe rack filing cabinet, pictures fallen off the fabric walls now re-pinned, and my Dilbert calendar remains on the day I found out I have cancer, October 26, 2010.  It’s as if for those few moments I was thrown back in time and everything stood still, and started all over again, I was back at the beginning when I got the news, and thinking of all the times I’ve fallen along the way like the photos...

Lessons Learned: For those few moments in my cubicle, it reminded me that the last 8 months have been hard, and for the first time I feel like I’m now going somewhere, there is a reason behind this madness and life goes on, my life goes on and will continue for as long as is meant to be, Dilbert is stuck in time, not me...

The Netherlands, Sledge Hammer, Wake Up Call, Transfusions ...

June 24, 2011

The Good: We met outside the hospital; he having just come from some sort of eye treatment asked if I could watch out for his bus, the 106, or so I thought.  “Here it comes sir” I hear myself say...   

“Are you trying to lead me astray young lady, this isn’t my bus” as he walks back down the steps towards me.  I must have heard #106 instead of #16 ...

As we wait for the #16 he remarks that life could be worse, we could be walking out of that Cancer Clinic... I let him know that is my life and I’m on my way home from treatments. 

We talk about the Netherlands where he’s from, his house in Rockcliffe, his wife who is out of town... we talk and he doesn’t pity me like some, just remarks that life must be hard given I’m so young, and that I’m right in the middle of what should be the most exciting part, and I agreed, it should be different and it is hard. 

We shared a seat on the bus and talked about Ottawa and how it’s changed over the years, gawked at expensive houses and compared which pubs were best to grab a cold one which was his plan before heading home... At this point the students had taken over our coach and he laughed saying it felt like a school trip and we were the chaperones’! 

He touched my leg as he got up and said “good luck sweetheart” and he was gone... The most interesting part of this meeting was that we were both in it, nowhere else, we were in that moment for that period of time and that’s all there was, nothing else, no distractions, we were both just there... part of me wished I had followed him to have that beer, part of me knows that would have ruined the moment.

The Bad: I’m enjoying a glass of wine and food with friends, the conversation is easy and the topic is one of travel, my favourite... the day was spent outdoors, the evening at a Pub relaxing, life is good, for now...

Let’s not get too comfy in that spot of time though... the next day I want nothing more than for someone to hit me over the head with something really hard, to put me out of my misery... are these the strides we’ve taken in cancer treatments... those pub nights are what they refer to as “treatments being manageable”... what about the sledge hammer nights, the ones I still live with as I hear ringing in my ears  “oh, but we’ve come so far ...”  Hit me over the head already... when I wake up we’ll talk and you’ll know from the bump on my head that it’s not always manageable, nobody should wish for one pain to replace another.

The What the ???: It’s 4:00am and I can’t sleep... if you know me at all you’ll know this isn’t how it used to be, for example, a 7:00am departure time would mean several self checks in the mirror to ensure all that was meant to be was in its place and I’d have a short kick type conversation with left and right to get them out the door so they wouldn’t doze off; colleagues questioned their presence when mine got out of whack and they saw me before 9:00am! 

Surprisingly mornings have become my favourite part of the day, I look forward to them; 5:00am or so I’m on my balcony drinking coffee and the only sounds I hear are the birds singing along to the hum of buildings cooling system.

Lessons Learned: There’s a reason someone knocks on your door to bring news, there’s a reason the phone rings instead, and there’s a reason you hear that “ping” sound when an e-mail/text arrives.  Agonizing words that try to be warm and fuzzy in the first line... you know what’s to follow won’t be in the same vein... do we all need transfusions?? 

What happened to “real” communication, and by that I don’t mean the clickety click of a key board, I’m talking about spoken words... have we gone so far backwards that we’ve forgotten what that means to people to actually have a conversation? 

There’s a reason this topic bothers me and I’ve been told I’ll be happier once I accept that most people don’t think like me... my way of thinking will likely never change though so I guess I haven’t learned my lesson on this one...

Side Bar: Wednesday was my last FREAKIN day of chemo.... wahooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!  I almost choked on the toxic little tablets as I did my incredible happy dance in the kitchen J I am sooooooooooooooooo happy to have reached and passed this milestone you have no idea....

Adios PICC Line, Buzz, Cool Chicks, Grandma...

June 17, 2011

The Good: I’m scheduled to have my PICC Line removed, the one they said I’ll never notice is there, the one that has not one but two tubes hanging out of it, the one that broke down my skin and gave me a blood clot, that prevents me from showering properly or going to the gym, that get’s hooked on my clothes while trying to get dressed and digs deep into my arm while I sleep, the one that takes two weekly visits from a nurse to maintain... yeah, I barely knew it was there... Are they mad??? 

I want it gone and I’ve scheduled to have it removed the day of my last chemo infusion; they suggested I keep it longer in case I need to be hydrated over the next few weeks.  I will literally drain our vast Canadian lakes in order to keep hydrated and get rid of this damn thing, praise the lords and halleluiah, the PICC Line will soon be history!

The PICC Line is officially gone as of June 16^TH, 2011, 2:00PM; I left the chemo unit silently, didn’t ring the bell, didn’t cry, and didn’t look back.... 7 more days or oral chemo to go...

The Bad: Got some hair back, along with a few lashes and brows, and Wabang! they are falling out again.  It’s not just about losing hair, it hurts while it comes out... not so much the brows but the lashes and scalp can be painful.  I tried not to cry while the clippers ran over my skull but the tears toppled out; this soldier needs to toughen up!

The What the ???:  Ok, so what are the odds that someone receives TWO Voodoo dolls in less than a month by people who don’t know each other... hmmmm, and they are both the same brand, not the people, the dolls... and they are dolls used for good and not evil.  I did an entry a couple of weeks ago about one my sister gave me that is meant “To watch over your body and help you love what you are.”  The new addition is “To protect your Coolness”!  She’s pretty funky, orange hair, purple pants with chains...

CC hangs off my purse to keep my “coolness” close by, and while in the grocery store the other day she literally leapt from the strap and threw herself down on the floor, perhaps she got caught on something, or perhaps CC was sending me a message that I’m due for a tantrum, Cool...It was embarrassing though to see poor CC lying on the floor, more embarrassing when I had to retrieve her... she’s one tough voodoo chick J

So my body is being protected by “Miss Understood” and I’m loving who I am, “Cool”... I’ve named the new addition CC for “Cool Caloren”! 

Lessons Learned: I’d run around the corner and slam into her full force, it was like hitting a linebacker in my own home, and this was my grandmother.  She was a solid woman physically and mentally, and the only grandparent I knew growing up.  Granny was a simple woman, lived in Scotland, cleaned houses for a living, raised her children, took care of her husband and played those extra games of bingo in order to win my sister and I those little gold watches; her smile was permanent and her laughter constant.  When I found out I had cancer, something opened up in my brain to release much nonsense that cluttered it before and a part of me became happier, I wonder what happened that released her brain....

France, Bitch, Blue, Boken ...

June 9, 2011

The Good: I went to France in August 2010 with friends... I knew at that time something was wrong, but I had no idea how bad it would be...  and I had no idea that I’d reconnect with my hosts almost a year later being in the condition that I’m in now... It was hard seeing them; at first. 

Soon after we connected, it was as if no time had passed, I was back in France, and they were being the gracious hosts I remember even though they were on my turf this time.  There was an ongoing joke during my visit last year that I was staying at a Five Star Hotel, L’hotel Georges Cing Etoile.. The reason being is they treated me like a star and I loved it. 

For those of you who still have your parents around that dote on you in a way you find annoying, treat you like a child, things like that... I lost my parents a while back and to have this again at my age is a feeling that is indescribable; to have someone do your laundry each day, have your breakfast laid out each morning, recognize your habits and cater to them (and I have a lot), share your home, family, friends, it’s like a flash back in time and it feels good, it felt good to be a kid again.

Merci mes amis, J’aime beaucoup le traitement Cinq Etoiles des Martinet!

The Bad: I see you a few times each month for the last seven months, and most times it’s an unpleasant experience... Why?  I don’t know... is it just me; No, I see you treat many people the same way; they just look uncomfortable and accept your crap the same way I have. 

Today for whatever reason I had an uncontrollable urge to step up on the counter, cross over to your side, and take your head and slam it against the wall, I could actually picture it and I was ok with it... I know this sounds harsh, but we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine with this “Bitch”.  Is it a control thing with her... does she think we are weak and we’ll take whatever crap she dishes out... let me tell you something, I’m not weak, I’m still here, and I can kick your ass...

I wonder if she knows we are walking on thin ice right now, next time I see her, I hope she can at least fake a smile and pretend to be professional, because I can’t promise I won’t take a leap!

The What the ???:  Someone gave me a moonstone shortly after this nightmare began, it was interesting because we don’t know each other that well, and she happened to have it in her car and decided to give it to me one night after dinner with mutual friends, my journey is nicknamed “moonstone” for no particular reason, and this fit. 

I still feel the same way today as when she gave it to me, that it was a very kind gesture, and she parted with a beautiful heart shaped moonstone that belonged to her and she wanted to share it with me... people can surprise you. 

The weird part is I’ve had this heart shaped moonstone beside my bed for several months, I see it every night before bed, and each morning when I wake up... and only recently have I seen these shades/ sparks of blue that pop out if you look at a certain angle... I’ve seen this stone at all angles, only recently have I seen the shades of blue.

I thought to myself “what does this mean”...it could mean I never noticed it before, or it could mean I’m seeing something else, as in, seeing what was always there, or maybe it’s something new. 

Whatever the reason, I look forward to seeing that sparkle of blue each morning and night, regardless of its purpose, and it will return this moonstone at the end of my journey, it isn’t meant for me to keep.

Lessons Learned: This week was hard for a lot of reasons that I won’t go into, I’m even tired of hearing them... when I find myself falling apart, I try not to call but I do, I call that person who can put me in my place, remind me of who I am and what I’m doing, they put things into neat compartments that I’ve managed to mess up, I call this person because I’d break if I didn’t...

Unexpected, The Dark Side, Air Brakes, Windex...

June 3, 2011

The Good: Unexpected.... When I was told back in October 2010 that I had Cancer, it hit me in a way that I can’t describe.  I haven’t lived a charmed life in the sense that I’ve been sheltered from pain, I’ve had my share; this was different... and until recently, I hadn’t realized how much my pain transferred to others. 

I know my cancer has affected people, I know those around me are concerned, but until someone put the words to paper and described in such detail that it brought me to their place, the place and time when they found out; the place and time where their world changed as well.  I could actually feel them trembling from hearing the news, I could taste their tears as they ran away as those same tears fell as I read their experience of how my cancer hit them in a way they have never experienced and how it changed their life, they ran the same way I did.  I hate Cancer for causing more tears than just my own...

The reason this experience is in the “Good” section, is because along with the words that described their pain, there were also words of how things changed for the better, how we’ve become closer... and they reminded me the cancer isn’t here to stay, it’s borrowing my body for a little while, they promised it won’t be forever and I believe them.

I know now when I fell apart on October 26, 2010, so did a lot of other people... it took one person though to open my eyes to how much, and for that I thank you; and I truly wish it was only me trembling...

The Bad: I see cancer patients do treatments in one, two, three months and their done, and I’m envious, angry, bitter sometimes... it’s been seven months and counting.  I’m not in denial, I know why it’s longer, and I wonder if it will end with “we’ve done all we can” and “she was strong and courageous but in the end lost her battle...” I don’t ever want to be referred to like that; I’m not fighting cancer, there’s no win or lose for me in this, I’m just living my life... don't ever refer to me as losing a battle...

Although my mind wanders to the dark side, I do believe the end of this blog will be written by me and there will come a time where I’ll no longer have material to add to “The Bad” section.

The What the ???:  I heard the squeal of brakes behind me, I was nose to nose with the squealer, he smiled and said “Don’t worry Darlin, I wasn’t going to hit you, I have air brakes on my bike and I’ve only flown over the handle bars once” he then proceeded to explain what air brakes are, the scent of alcohol coats his words, regardless, he’s quite entertaining, he looks back and say’s “nice meeting you Darlin, have a good day”. 

I’ve arrived at the grocery store and guess who I see, Mr. Air Brakes and he’s searching his pockets for something, and at my feet is a grocery list which I’m guessing belongs to him.  I tap him on the shoulder holding out the list... he say’s “I knew we met for a reason, than you Darlin” and we part ways once again.  I leave the grocery store and as I glance to my left I see Mr. Air Brakes puking in a sewer drain, he doesn’t see me so there’s no “Darlin” this time; I feel like our relationship went full circle in a matter of 15 minutes and ultimately ended up going down the drain... I hope he’s ok, life can be hard, he was having a worse day than me...

Lessons Learned: Just because I’m a woman, that doesn’t mean we’re all the same...

The chemo I’m presently on is known to be an “agitator”, the nurse’s joked that women have been known to be up at 3:00am washing windows... uh, yeah, not likely I’ll be doing that, I’d rather count the bumps on my stucco ceiling.  One of my birthday gifts was a gun, a rifle actually... to use on my Playstation J, this is more like it, much better than Windex.  Now don’t worry, I still have a gentle side, it’s just a little mixed up right now...