June 3, 2011
The Good: Unexpected.... When I was told back in October 2010 that I had Cancer, it hit me in a way that I can’t describe. I haven’t lived a charmed life in the sense that I’ve been sheltered from pain, I’ve had my share; this was different... and until recently, I hadn’t realized how much my pain transferred to others.
I know my cancer has affected people, I know those around me are concerned, but until someone put the words to paper and described in such detail that it brought me to their place, the place and time when they found out; the place and time where their world changed as well. I could actually feel them trembling from hearing the news, I could taste their tears as they ran away as those same tears fell as I read their experience of how my cancer hit them in a way they have never experienced and how it changed their life, they ran the same way I did. I hate Cancer for causing more tears than just my own...
The reason this experience is in the “Good” section, is because along with the words that described their pain, there were also words of how things changed for the better, how we’ve become closer... and they reminded me the cancer isn’t here to stay, it’s borrowing my body for a little while, they promised it won’t be forever and I believe them.
I know now when I fell apart on October 26, 2010, so did a lot of other people... it took one person though to open my eyes to how much, and for that I thank you; and I truly wish it was only me trembling...
The Bad: I see cancer patients do treatments in one, two, three months and their done, and I’m envious, angry, bitter sometimes... it’s been seven months and counting. I’m not in denial, I know why it’s longer, and I wonder if it will end with “we’ve done all we can” and “she was strong and courageous but in the end lost her battle...” I don’t ever want to be referred to like that; I’m not fighting cancer, there’s no win or lose for me in this, I’m just living my life... don't ever refer to me as losing a battle...
Although my mind wanders to the dark side, I do believe the end of this blog will be written by me and there will come a time where I’ll no longer have material to add to “The Bad” section.
The What the ???: I heard the squeal of brakes behind me, I was nose to nose with the squealer, he smiled and said “Don’t worry Darlin, I wasn’t going to hit you, I have air brakes on my bike and I’ve only flown over the handle bars once” he then proceeded to explain what air brakes are, the scent of alcohol coats his words, regardless, he’s quite entertaining, he looks back and say’s “nice meeting you Darlin, have a good day”.
I’ve arrived at the grocery store and guess who I see, Mr. Air Brakes and he’s searching his pockets for something, and at my feet is a grocery list which I’m guessing belongs to him. I tap him on the shoulder holding out the list... he say’s “I knew we met for a reason, than you Darlin” and we part ways once again. I leave the grocery store and as I glance to my left I see Mr. Air Brakes puking in a sewer drain, he doesn’t see me so there’s no “Darlin” this time; I feel like our relationship went full circle in a matter of 15 minutes and ultimately ended up going down the drain... I hope he’s ok, life can be hard, he was having a worse day than me...
Lessons Learned: Just because I’m a woman, that doesn’t mean we’re all the same...
The chemo I’m presently on is known to be an “agitator”, the nurse’s joked that women have been known to be up at 3:00am washing windows... uh, yeah, not likely I’ll be doing that, I’d rather count the bumps on my stucco ceiling. One of my birthday gifts was a gun, a rifle actually... to use on my Playstation J, this is more like it, much better than Windex. Now don’t worry, I still have a gentle side, it’s just a little mixed up right now...
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