December 31, 2010
The Good: My neighbour gave me a box of chocolates; on the back of the box it says "Dream It. Believe It. Live It".
I Dream about coming through this a better stronger person
I Believe that will happen because I can't see anything else
I'll Live through this in order to make my Dream come true...
Life really is like a box a chocolates :)
The Bad: Cancer doesn't hurt, it's the treatment that's a killer... a necessary evil I know, and one I'm dealing with, but on days like today it's hard to comprehend why there isn't a better way.... I'm dizzy, nauseous, every bone in my body hurts, my breathing is laboured, fever, voice weak, fingers/ toes are tingling/ numb, and my ribs are left feeling like a fight took place and I'm the one down for the count... I'm feeling like this from a shot I get to keep my wbc's high enough so the chemo doesn't wipe me out, literally.... and the answer to dealing with these side effects is to experiment with a cocktail of other drugs, a necessary evil I have yet to come to terms with...
The What the ??: Today is Fri Dec 31st, I wrote "The Bad" on Tue Dec 28th... I can't believe how things change in just a couple of days. I still have all of the symptoms above but on a much lesser scale that is manageable, and I'm no longer down for the count, I will go out kicking and screaming :) Oh yeah, I still haven’t come to terms with that cocktail either :)
Lessons Learned: I find myself lately listening to people's eyes/ expressions rather than their words; I'm getting to know people better that way. I guess the same can be said for me... earlier this week someone lay down beside me and gave me a hug without me saying a word, that's exactly what I needed at that moment and we stayed that way for a long time never saying a word...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Family and Friends, Christmas, Attitudes and Wigs, Life
December 25th, 2010
The Good: My family and friends are keeping me stocked up with food, check in's, chaufeur services, it's amazing... there are so many times I just can't wrap my brain around cooking, and voila, I open the fridge and there's something great to heat up... people driving me to appointments, stopping by for visits, sending me movies, books, loaning furniture, etc... I'm pretty lucky to have these people behind me, I say thank you all the time but it doesn't even begin to describe how much it means to me.
The Bad: It's Christmas, and I wish I didn't have Cancer...
The What the ??: I went to buy a wig which is somewhat of a difficult process for a number of reasons... the woman turned on the attitude by saying "Oh, you don't have any hair, this is going to be difficult"... I had explained over the phone when i made the appnt that I wasn't looking to match my previous look and that I'd already lost my hair, nobody said anything at that time... and these people deal with cancer patients regularly... wow!! She made a point of mentioning at least 5 times that she didn't have much to work with...
hmmm, maybe she should have tried working with the person in front of her, just a thought...
Lessons Learned: I keep thinking about a saying my mother used often while I was growing up.... "It's a great life if you don't weaken". I never thought about it back then, I think about it a lot now and can hear her voice clearly as she's saying it.
The Good: My family and friends are keeping me stocked up with food, check in's, chaufeur services, it's amazing... there are so many times I just can't wrap my brain around cooking, and voila, I open the fridge and there's something great to heat up... people driving me to appointments, stopping by for visits, sending me movies, books, loaning furniture, etc... I'm pretty lucky to have these people behind me, I say thank you all the time but it doesn't even begin to describe how much it means to me.
The Bad: It's Christmas, and I wish I didn't have Cancer...
The What the ??: I went to buy a wig which is somewhat of a difficult process for a number of reasons... the woman turned on the attitude by saying "Oh, you don't have any hair, this is going to be difficult"... I had explained over the phone when i made the appnt that I wasn't looking to match my previous look and that I'd already lost my hair, nobody said anything at that time... and these people deal with cancer patients regularly... wow!! She made a point of mentioning at least 5 times that she didn't have much to work with...
hmmm, maybe she should have tried working with the person in front of her, just a thought...
Lessons Learned: I keep thinking about a saying my mother used often while I was growing up.... "It's a great life if you don't weaken". I never thought about it back then, I think about it a lot now and can hear her voice clearly as she's saying it.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Chemo, Nulasta Shots, Reality...
December 11, 2010
The Good: Added bonus, started losing my hair big time on Thursday, prior to that nothing, then BANG, it starts coming out in huge clumps and my scalp is killing me... what happened to “gradual hair loss/ thinning”. I know, you’re thinking what’s so good about this... I don’t look as bad with short hair as I thought, and I may even be able to pull off a decent bald look.
The Bad: Had my 2nd round of Chemo yesterday, and my 2nd bone marrow shot... I still feel like this is a dream, only at night when everything is quiet and I have no appointments or phone calls to make does reality kick in and I know it's real and it scares the shit out of me, not literally but you know what mean...
The What the ??: Got a call this morning from my nurse wanting to know what was wrong with my pump... I actually had to think before I answered “I don’t have a pump”... nothing like feeling like a number, and a wrong number at that J
Lessons Learned: Even though I’m going bald I may be able to rock the look, I got hit with chemo/ bone marrow shot and I’m well enough to type, and the nurse who gave me my shot today treated me like a person and not a just a number, 3 friends called today to check up on me which always feels good, and things could be worse, I could have a pump, whatever that is!... so for the moment, life’s ok, and I’ll take that.
The Good: Added bonus, started losing my hair big time on Thursday, prior to that nothing, then BANG, it starts coming out in huge clumps and my scalp is killing me... what happened to “gradual hair loss/ thinning”. I know, you’re thinking what’s so good about this... I don’t look as bad with short hair as I thought, and I may even be able to pull off a decent bald look.
The Bad: Had my 2nd round of Chemo yesterday, and my 2nd bone marrow shot... I still feel like this is a dream, only at night when everything is quiet and I have no appointments or phone calls to make does reality kick in and I know it's real and it scares the shit out of me, not literally but you know what mean...
The What the ??: Got a call this morning from my nurse wanting to know what was wrong with my pump... I actually had to think before I answered “I don’t have a pump”... nothing like feeling like a number, and a wrong number at that J
Lessons Learned: Even though I’m going bald I may be able to rock the look, I got hit with chemo/ bone marrow shot and I’m well enough to type, and the nurse who gave me my shot today treated me like a person and not a just a number, 3 friends called today to check up on me which always feels good, and things could be worse, I could have a pump, whatever that is!... so for the moment, life’s ok, and I’ll take that.
PICC Lines, Blood Clots, and Retail Therapy...
December 5, 2010
The Good: I wasn’t in good spirits today, we had some time between tests, so I chatted about how this process was affecting me and whether or not I wanted to continue given my chances are on the low side. He disagrees with my original diagnosis of inflammatory breast cancer, and has since he’s met me, he mentioned it once before but I thought it was more of a comment than a fact/ belief on his end, or maybe I was scared to go there if he was wrong, or my mind was so freaked out it didn’t register that day... I don’t know... my original Dr. had already convinced me it was inflammatory breast cancer and told me to prepare myself for that...
My oncologist on the other hand disagrees and stands by his diagnosis. He says the reason he still wants to treat me so aggressively is that it is in the later stages, it is a large tumour, but he thinks I can handle the treatments and it will increase my chances of getting through this if we hit it hard and fast, he thinks I’ll be one of the lucky ones... we talked a lot more, not about cancer, but about what he thinks my life will be like now, in the upcoming months, and after. He told me he cared about how I was feeling, and for me to stay on top of him and let him know everything so he can do whatever he can to make it better, whether it’s physical or emotional pain...
The Bad: Crappy week, ended up in emerg Tuesday, felt like shit the other days... this bone marrow shot is hitting me hard... and I haven’t been able to lift my arm (PICC arm) for the last week. My oncologist ended up examining me because there weren’t any other Dr’s available... he realized something was wrong with my arm and started setting up tests...
I left my oncologist feeling pretty good... I was feeling good that is, until I got the results back for my arm an hr or so later and they told me I have a blood clot from the PICC Line, that I’ll need to take daily injections of blood thinners for the next four months, and be monitored on a regular bases by the thrombosis unit as they feared a lung embolism or something related to it travelling to the lung... I was devastated, this wasn’t the end of the world, but it stole my happy time that I only had for about an hour... I walked with them crying to the back room to get my first injection.
The What The ??: I met with the Thrombosis Unit to get training on the injections, brief me on risks, etc... this guy, the thrombo expert felt the injection on Friday was given as a precaution and may not be necessary going forward, I’ll still be monitored but he thinks medication can maintain or eliminate the clot, and if it maintains as is for the duration of the PICC, he’s good with that... and so am I.... I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t. wow, so many opinions out there... it's hard to know what's right or wrong...
Lessons Learned: So I guess you never know what will happen... but in the process I will hang onto to my happy moments as they come and not allow anything or anyone to take those away...
And today I’m thinking retail therapy is in order
My oncologist on the other hand disagrees and stands by his diagnosis. He says the reason he still wants to treat me so aggressively is that it is in the later stages, it is a large tumour, but he thinks I can handle the treatments and it will increase my chances of getting through this if we hit it hard and fast, he thinks I’ll be one of the lucky ones... we talked a lot more, not about cancer, but about what he thinks my life will be like now, in the upcoming months, and after. He told me he cared about how I was feeling, and for me to stay on top of him and let him know everything so he can do whatever he can to make it better, whether it’s physical or emotional pain...
The Bad: Crappy week, ended up in emerg Tuesday, felt like shit the other days... this bone marrow shot is hitting me hard... and I haven’t been able to lift my arm (PICC arm) for the last week. My oncologist ended up examining me because there weren’t any other Dr’s available... he realized something was wrong with my arm and started setting up tests...
I left my oncologist feeling pretty good... I was feeling good that is, until I got the results back for my arm an hr or so later and they told me I have a blood clot from the PICC Line, that I’ll need to take daily injections of blood thinners for the next four months, and be monitored on a regular bases by the thrombosis unit as they feared a lung embolism or something related to it travelling to the lung... I was devastated, this wasn’t the end of the world, but it stole my happy time that I only had for about an hour... I walked with them crying to the back room to get my first injection.
The What The ??: I met with the Thrombosis Unit to get training on the injections, brief me on risks, etc... this guy, the thrombo expert felt the injection on Friday was given as a precaution and may not be necessary going forward, I’ll still be monitored but he thinks medication can maintain or eliminate the clot, and if it maintains as is for the duration of the PICC, he’s good with that... and so am I.... I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t. wow, so many opinions out there... it's hard to know what's right or wrong...
Lessons Learned: So I guess you never know what will happen... but in the process I will hang onto to my happy moments as they come and not allow anything or anyone to take those away...
And today I’m thinking retail therapy is in order
The day I knew nothing would ever be the same...
October 26, 2010
The Good: I went to see a surgeon for what I thought was nothing more than a cyst, that's what everyone kept saying over the last few months... I was so happy it was finally being dealt with.
The Bad: I could see it in his eyes when he examined me, I could see it in his face that it wasn't a cyst. I knew when they started cancelling other appointments to push me through for a mammogram, ultrasound etc.. I knew this wasn't good.
The What the ??: Later that same day I sat in a little pink room with floral chairs while he told me I had a rare form of Cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
Lessons Learned: I knew from that moment on my life would never be the same...
The Good: I went to see a surgeon for what I thought was nothing more than a cyst, that's what everyone kept saying over the last few months... I was so happy it was finally being dealt with.
The Bad: I could see it in his eyes when he examined me, I could see it in his face that it wasn't a cyst. I knew when they started cancelling other appointments to push me through for a mammogram, ultrasound etc.. I knew this wasn't good.
The What the ??: Later that same day I sat in a little pink room with floral chairs while he told me I had a rare form of Cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
Lessons Learned: I knew from that moment on my life would never be the same...
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