Determination, Reflections, Tattoos, and Life Goes On...

July 29, 2011

The Good: I asked my brother to remind me why I’m doing this shit... without hesitation he said “it’s to enjoy all the things in life that you love, the time will come where you’ll enjoy them again”. 

He also said he remembers me as a kid, and that I took on things to the extreme.  He remembers my elementary school project on Elvis Presley... although it wasn’t part of the guidelines, I chose it anyway and was determined to show them why, and I did... not long after I got the idea to put on a production of “The one eyed one horned flying purple people eaters” and I knew this would be a hit; my poor mother slaved away for hours designing and sewing the costumes to accommodate my vision.   

His point was, that from the time I was a child, if I took on something, I ran with it until it was a success, and he thinks I’ll do the same with cancer; be successful. 

I’ve always been very determined and I don’t let people or obstacles push me around, perhaps that will include cancer...

The Bad: I’m sitting in the examining room and I hate being there, I’m waiting to discuss radiation.  I listen to the Doctor explain how it works, immediate side effects, long term risks, etc... I listen to the Nurse on what needs to be done before, during, and after treatments.  I listen to both of them but I’m not really there. 

I’m alone getting dressed; I glance at myself in the mirror and begin to cry.

The What the ???: I went to get my “markings” for radiation, and holy shit, they are actually tattoos!!  In my little brain I thought there was some sort of super hero permanent marker, I had no clue they’d be sticking me with needles and dye; this whole cancer process never ceases to amaze and frighten me... 

I was sharing my tattoo experience with a friend over coffee and grilled cheese, he thinks mayo should be added to the classic sandwich, I say “No”; the thought of doing that amazes and frightens me as well...

Lessons Learned: The little boy in the seat in front of me is missing all his fingers on one hand, then a young woman gets on the bus using her cane and hands to guide her to a seat, she’s blind.  The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, and life goes on...

Clean Up, Trying to Escape, Insane, In Charge...

July 22, 2011

The Good: I’m removing all things “stressful”, which means, if it’s/ they are more trouble than it’s/ they are worth, it’s/ they are gone... my instincts/ gut will guide me to the it’s and they’s that need to go.   

My life has been dangled in front of me these last few months and I know whatever will be will be, so I’m grabbing onto what dangles with both hands and swinging the hell out of it,  wahoooooooooooo!

The Bad: I was trying to escape through television... the first show I surfed across was about a male athlete battling cancer, the second wave took me to a story about a child battling the same thing... so much for my escape. 

I watched the show that involved the child thinking it was more likely to have a happy ending. 

Her name is Alex and I could see through past interviews how treatments had affected her, not from the obvious, but from her eyes, you can tell she has seen too many things for someone so young, Alex died at the age of eight. 

It’s amazing how much we can learn from children, and it’s too bad we leave that part of ourselves behind as we grow older... A child should never have to know the word “cancer”.

This is her website: http://www.alexslemonade.org/about

The What the ???: My oncologist, in so many words, called me “insane”!  Several months ago I hit rock bottom with chemo, but I was willing to continue... he said the average “sane” person would have walked away, I replied with “so I’m insane” and he agreed adding that he meant “insane” in a strong persevering sort of way. 

We ended our conversation with a handshake and a smile, both of us happy we are able to have this conversation, a few months ago that didn’t seem possible, and we both knew that... 

Physically I can do whatever they tell me to do if I set my mind to it; mentally I question most of it.

Lessons Learned: I have to “take charge” in order to be “in charge”...

Running, Chemo Flashback, Drivers License, Blah Blah Blah...

July 15, 2011

The Good: Last year while in France I tried running, not something I’ve done since I was a kid yet I had a natural ability, as in, I had good endurance and went the extra mile, my French connections were impressed. 

I tried the same thing, with not so good results... it seems the cancer devil has tapped into my endurance and taken that away, no surprise as this devil has tapped into pretty much everything and screwed them up as well. 

I ran for a few minutes, walked a few more, ran a few minutes, walked even more... fuck you cancer for not allowing me to run away from this, but I will... I will keep going out until I reach a point where I can run fast enough and long enough to leave you behind.

The Bad: Apparently the after affects of chemo can hit at anytime... I haven’t had a treatment since June 22^nd, but was knocked on my ass for 2 days this last week; 2 days in bed trapped inside my head, exploring my brain.  My earth shattering conclusion is ... life can suck big time, but you can’t let it suck the life out of you... acknowledgment is key, moving on though is the only way to survive.

The What the ???: Had to renew my driver’s license, and as luck would have it, my photo needed to be updated as well. 

I explained to the guy that I wouldn’t look like this in a couple of months, let alone 5 years because of cancer treatments, and could we please just leave the old photo, or take one in a few months... He said “No” which was fine; it’s what he said after that bothered me.  He said he “understood” what I was saying, he “understood” how I felt, and that it was just a photo ID, no big deal, blah blah blah... He’s a man with hair yet he understands what it’s like to be a woman who’s been living without hair for the last 9 months, who lost her hair in one day... apparently he understands what that feels like for me.

I didn’t want that reminder on my driver’s licence for the next five years, to have this time captured in time... I didn’t want to explain to people in the future that “Yes” that’s me, just with no hair.  I would have preferred he just say “No” rather than claim to “understand”... he then went on to say how I looked good, the hair wrap was nice, and I’ll probably be quite pleased with the photo... HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND!

If you’ve woken up one day and had all your hair gone because of poisons you voluntarily injected into your body, you understand what I’m saying, If not, then you don’t. 

Just stick to the facts driver license guy.  If you haven’t walked in someone’s shoes, don’t jump into them just for the sake of jumping, you don’t understand what I feel or why I feel it, period.

Lessons Learned: There’s too much blah blah blah that goes on in this world and not enough quiet. 

Chance, Stares, Life and Death, Unexpected...

July 8, 2011

The Good: My blog made its way to The Canadian Medical Association, and as a result I was invited to submit an article to The Canadian Medical Association Journal from a patient’s perspective, what it was like for me having cancer.

I quickly threw something together in less than an hour thinking if I delayed the opportunity would be gone, I know now that wouldn’t have been the case. 

I submitted my article and then began the process of having it reviewed, receiving feedback, suggestions, etc... all the while thinking I’d receive a note saying “thank you for your submission BUT...” the message I did receive was, “I am pleased to inform you that your article entitled "The Pink Room" has been accepted for publication.” 

It was a pleasant surprise to receive that news, and I hope the article serves it purpose, as in sharing what it’s like to be on the receiving end of health care, being a patient.

The Bad: Social gatherings can be hard... when someone knows you have cancer but doesn’t know what to say, they stare; and I wonder what goes through their head.  Sometimes I want to slap them and remind them how rude it is to stare, sometimes I want to approach them and say “yeah, I have cancer, is there something you’d like to ask me?”  Maybe I remind them of someone they’ve lost, or maybe I remind them of their own mortality... I don’t know, I’ve never slapped any of them, nor have I approached them, I just let them stare... and I hate it, I feel like some sort of freak on display.  I’m not a freak...ok, maybe in some ways I am but I was like that before cancer... but I’m not on display either so stop staring, just approach me, we’ll both feel better as a result.

The What the ???: Went to Freniere to see the Lavender fields in full bloom, stopped along the way at an antique shop to browse.  I said to my god daughter “you go first on those stairs, if you make it then I’ll go” they were sketchy to say the least; she’s young though and would handle the fall better than me J.  Most people are French in that area, no such luck this time... the owner poked his head around the corner and said in perfect English “don’t worry about the stairs, I’ve got insurance for that.” 

In talking to him, turns out he is the husband of a teacher in my hometown, she died in a car accident during my time in high school... he talked about the accident as if it had happened yesterday, in some ways with no emotion, in other ways you could see how broken he still is, he was in that car with his wife and children, and he described how she looked when the impact was over, and how he knew she was dead. 

Pain reminds me that I’m still alive and it’s worth living, this man’s story reminded me how quickly life can change, for me right now, pain is ok.

Lessons Learned: I prefer the unexpected to having a map in life; those moments are what I remember most.