Yoga, Yoga, Yoga, Yoga...

November 25, 2011

The Good: We are asked to put a block on our yoga mat, then place our bolster (rectangular cushion) on the block, followed by draping our bodies over the bolster back first, arms spread, staring up at the ceiling like a snow angel. 

All my body parts seem to be aligned; I close my eyes and wait for the next set of instructions. 

Her voice, very softly asks us to remain like this for as long as we like, and I do, not moving, just enjoying this feeling of peace and comfort, being that snow angel I once was but without movement... I can’t remember the last time my body felt this good.

The Bad: ‎She enters the yoga studio as if on a fact finding mission, me, I’m killing time on the stationary bike waiting for the instructor to arrive.  Not wanting to chit chat I go back to staring at my feet as they go round and round on the pedals. 

She adjusts the lights so that every bulb is blaring out of their sockets, and asks, “How’s this?”  I explain that the instructor usually keeps them on a low setting during class, and she replies in a military type tone, “fair enough, eye sensitivities must be considered, blah blah blah”, and I go back to staring at my feet. 

Partway through class I hear sounds from her direction, and the teacher checks in, she confirms it’s not the poses causing discomfort; rather it’s that her cancer has spread to her bones and any type of contact with the floor can be painful.    

Everyone in this class has cancer, which doesn’t mean I have to like them, yet I of all people should have had some empathy for her earlier, and rather than focusing on my feet which I can do anytime, I could have engaged more in conversation before class. 

I saw how she looked at the instructor, how her face changed when she spoke, and I got a sense that she was simply lonely; a side effect from cancer I’m all too familiar with.

I haven’t seen her since that class...

The What the ???: I’m guessing he’s a caregiver for someone who has cancer as they are allowed to attend as well; it’s not likely that he’s one of us. He’s younger than most in our class, muscular, fit, and I got a sense he’s good at whatever he does, he projects being a go getter kinda guy, or at least that’s what I see as he pumps iron before class begins. 

As do all classes we begin with a brief introduction, starting with our name followed by anything else we’d like to say... when it comes to him, he introduces himself, tells us he has just been diagnosed with cancer and completed his first treatment last week.  He also mentions he can be very intense, and that this is his 2^nd or 3^rd yoga class, it’s the best thing he’s ever tried, and that we’ll be seeing him on a regular basis as he’ll be attending as many classes as possible.

Lessons Learned: You’re never too old to be a snow angel, I could use a lesson or two on empathy, and looks can be deceiving...

Learning, Santa, Chimes, Respect...

November 18, 2011

The Good: I’ve learned the importance of looking you in the eye when I toast to any occasion, I’ve learned to hug you before you hug me, I’ve learned to take a step back in order to get somewhere faster, I’ve learned people are far more unique than I’d noticed before, I’ve learned it’s ok to ask for help, I’ve learned pain reminds me I can feel, I’ve learned other people hurt when I’m in pain, I’ve learned my anger towards cancer is my will to survive... I’ve learned I want to learn more.

The Bad: ‎I’m with my physiotherapist and we are reviewing progress, both of us doing that awkward scrunched up grin; “fuck, I wish I had better news” and “fuck, I wish I was doing better”... 10 steps forward, 20 steps back.

Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is 50 steps forward... and if that fits in my stocking, feel free to wrap up some extra 10 steps in gift boxes for under the tree, it’s cool if you don’t have time for fancy wrapping or bows, just the steps would be appreciated as is.   

Ps. While I don’t have a chimney, I do have 24hr security so feel free to leave the steps with them if I’m not around.

The What the ???:  A very special friend gave me a solar powered chime... it’s quite pretty yet I was puzzled as to how it would work.  Is it going to chime like crazy while the sun is out, and teeter off at dusk? Does it need to charge for a day to gain energy and then chime periodically in the days to come?  Do I get enough direct sun light to get this baby going??? 

                       
Throughout our visit it chimed every so often, and unlike a wind chime, it’s unexpected because there’s no wind to cue the chime, which makes it special when it does.  And then it got cloudy, and assuming it never got fully charged, the chimes stopped, and it hung there... and then she left. 

Shortly after her departure, there are still no chimes, and I’m writing an e-mail thanking her for the gift, saying how it hasn’t chimed since she left, and at that moment, it chimes, just for a short bit, but long enough to make me say “what the??” and then it was gone, and it hasn’t chimed since. 

Lessons Learned: She smiles when she sees me, genuine as she says “you look really good, how are you feeling?” 

We go through the standard question and answer period, blah blah blah... and then she asks “how are you doing on tamoxifen (nasty drug that keeps evil cancer cells away)?”  I explain that it didn’t work out, I gave it the old college try but in the end I’d rather take my chances out on the street. She lifted her arm and rested her elbow on the examining table beside her, I was in a chair across, she then let her head fall onto that same arm into her hand, her eyes down, but her face couldn’t lie, she genuinely cared what happened to me, or rather, she wasn’t afraid to show me that she did.    

She and I didn’t click on our first meeting, since then I’ve gotten to know and trust her judgement, that day is when she earned my respect.

Windows, Other People, Carp Diem, Moments...

November 11, 2011

The Good: I’ve been told on more than one occasion by different people that I wasn’t ready for something, “something” being living the life I was meant to live, and that I wasn’t ready to do that.

Imagine you’re on a stage filled with windows, and you can peer through each one and see a different phase of your life.  I did this and could see clearly through each window and I didn’t understand why I can’t be ready for anything, everything makes sense.  These people were wrong.

So now I’m standing on that same stage, not wanting to look through those same windows as more panes have been added, I’m afraid I’ll break them, but I look through them all with no broken glass. 

I look through the first one and see the same thing as before, the second is clear as well but something is different, I can see a picture in the middle as to how it connects to the first.  I look through the third and see another picture showing the connection to the last two, moving on to the fifth I see how it relates to the Ninth, and I look through the same window and see the same phase as before but it means something different.   

The pictures in between the panes were probably always there, and although each window was clear in the past, I saw what I wanted; I wasn’t ready.  

The Bad: ‎I get more emotional when I talk to other people who have cancer than when I talk about my own situation, I think I see my pain in them.

The What the ???:  Over the last year I’ve tried more and more to live in the moment, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. 

I get caught up in distractions like TV, Movies, Technology, Books, Daydreams, etc... enjoying the make believe of it.  I’m not saying I’ll never do these things again, I’ll do them less.  For instance, when I’m riding the bus, I don’t use my phone, I have no plugs in my ears piping in music, and I don’t imagine what I could or should be doing, I’m just being there, on the bus. 

So as I’m doing this, being there on the bus, I notice this guy smiling... he says hi and comments about the lady with a cane getting off, and how it will take her a long time to get up that hill, but that she’ll get there.  Then he talks about a trip he took with his sister to a medieval castle and how they sat in this magnificent room sipping wine not saying a word, enjoying their surroundings. 

He then asked if I worked at the hospital or was visiting (pretty much everyone on that bus is going to the hospital), I said visiting.  He said he was on his way to the cancer unit.  I, assuming he was a patient, said I had cancer as well.  Turns out he didn’t have cancer but was a supervisor in one of the units, had been for 22 years, in a unit I’m all too familiar with. 

We walked through the doors of the hospital together continuing to chat when he touched my arm, looked me straight in the eyes, paused, smiled, and then said “Carp Diem” and walked away.

Now, the moment I experienced on the bus ride home was an entirely different story, still a moment, just different...

I looked around to see what’s going on and notice the guy a few seats away, for lack of a better term, is jerking off.  My first thought was “REALLY, REALLY, you’re doing this here!!!”  Then I thought, before I do something, I have to be sure  he’s doing what I’m accusing him of doing and to do that I have to look again, which I do, long enough to confirm, yup, that’s what he’s doing.  To be clear, he didn’t have the object of discussion fully exposed as the nylon/ polyester blend athletic pants allowed for easy access and manoeuvrability.  As I was about to report this “moment” to the driver, he exited the back door of the bus and disappeared onto the crowded street.

Lessons Learned: I like being in the moment whenever I can... albeit some moments are better than others, and some may require the assistance of law enforcement, it’s still better than being draped by distractions.

Laughter, Tears, Portfolio’s, Life...

November 4, 2011

The Good: I ran into an old friend that I haven’t seen for years, we used to work together.  At first I didn’t recognize him, the blond highlights were gone and he was tucked away sitting in a corner but I knew it was him.  I smiled remembering all the good times we had together, he smiled as well when he recognized me followed by a big hug. 

For my birthday one year, someone gave me him as a gift! 

Now in case your thinking this was some sort of messed up love interest, it wasn’t, he was just someone I laughed a lot with and on the morning of my birthday a while back I was told we had to pick up my gift, which we did, and it was him, and he’d be joining us for breakfast... and we laughed as we always did.

I remembered that morning as we caught up with each other this day...

The Bad: I ran into this old friend at the chemo unit in the hospital, he was there with his wife who was hit by cancer around the same time as me.  All three of us talked easily, him and me from a bond in our past, her and me from a bond in our presents. 

We said our goodbyes and walked our separate ways, I wanted to look back but I didn’t, my eyes were tearing up; tears for my friend, tears for his wife for being here.

Instead of looking back I thought about a comment she made about a photograph we had both seen, to her it symbolized “Life Goes On” and that’s what I thought about as I left the hospital.

The What the ???:  Someone told me they wouldn’t get involved in a relationship with someone who’s had cancer... hard for me to hear but at the same time very honest.  If I was on the other end I guess it would be scary to open yourself up to someone who’s “a known risk”, open yourself up to someone who may not be around long enough to make it seem worthwhile.

One more thing to add to my cancer portfolio.

Lessons Learned: ‎Life does go on....