Break Time, Zzzzz’s, Gelato, Lotto 6/49...

April 29, 2011

The Good: 16 rounds of chemo in 14 days take its toll both physically and mentally, but then we have what they call “BREAKS” and mine starts today!!!! 

I can still feel those demons coursing through my veins even though I’m not popping 7 pills marked “CHEMOTHERAPY” or having weekly infusions at the hospital. 

Those demons won’t stop me from dancing, I'm dancing a jig right now! J

The Bad: I’m soooooo tired it’s hard to see through the Zzzzz’s... I wake up from 2 hours of restless dozing and struggle to pry my eyes open; I’m exhausted but can’t sleep. I need to sleep to get through this, why can’t I just have that???  I’m not asking for the whole alphabet, just the Zzzzz’s.

The What the ???:  I went for a walk, stopped to pick up a French Vanilla Gelato in a sugar cone and went on my way.  This drip and lick under the sun made me very happy, happiness that lasted far beyond the last crunch, who knew $4.00 could pack such a punch!

Lessons Learned:  I believe we have some control over our destiny and I have a clear vision of what mine is.  Cancer is my present; Cancer has changed me; Cancer will be my past.  I can see this...  I don’t need lotto 6/49 to make my dreams a reality; I need my vision to come true.

CRAZY, Suffocating, Attitude, Right...

April 22, 2011

The Good: He came into my life for a short time, and taught me so much... He just found out I have Cancer... I say I’ll be ok... but he cries and reminds me that I can’t control other people’s emotions...

He’s putting together a website that includes motivational, inspirational type messages and asked if I would contribute.  This summed up how I was feeling at that moment, so this will be my first submission. 

CRAZY

Life can be Crazy, and not always the good Crazy that leaves you all warm, fuzzy and excited, but the bad Crazy that leaves you scared and wondering about tomorrow, wishing you’d done more the day before, and the day before that.

My Crazy is Cancer... I was diagnosed on October 26, 2010 and from that moment on my life changed, not all bad Crazy though...

I see things differently; the route I’ve walked for years is unfamiliar, hadn’t really noticed the lines in the trees, or how much I like the peacefulness of winter walks with the snow squeaking against the soles of my boots, or how good it feels drinking hot chocolate as I make my way home. 

Most of all though I’ve noticed the people in my life; new ones who’ve arrived, old ones who came back, and those who have always been by my side; each and every one of them I see in a new light.

Although I feel I have windburn from life, my feet scarred from the journey, all I want to do is dance.  I dance in the morning while getting ready for yet another hospital visit, I dance at lunch after my nurse leaves, and I dance before bed when I think about tomorrow. 

Life can be Crazy, but I’m not ready to leave; I have three wishes I look forward to, and I dance in anticipation of them coming true.

The Bad: I sometimes put a self imposed noose around my neck because I feel like I’m suffocating.  I want this to be done and every day it’s not it get’s tighter... I’m told to embrace this pain, acknowledge and accept it, it’s a reminder that I’m fighting and that I can feel, and I should worry when I stop feeling...

The What the ???: How are you?  “I’m Busy” is the new “I’m Fine”.... and they take their stress tablet each morning and release it throughout the day.

“Why hasn’t your blood results arrived?”

Last time I checked I didn’t work in the lab, I only make donations. 

“Something is wrong with your name!”

Last time I checked it’s been 6 months that I’ve been trying to tell you my last name has an “e” at the end, Johnstone with an “e” but you never listen or even look at me when I talk.

“Why aren’t you being checked for creatinine?”

Last time I checked I didn’t write up the requisition.

“Don’t worry honey; I’m not going to get angry at you for asking for another bandage...”

Last time I checked “honey” a “new” bandage should not have blood on it.

I get that people are busy, what I don’t get is the attitude....

·       Coping Mechanism?  Find a new one...

·       Stressed? Change Jobs...

·       Having a bad day? Take a breath and move on....

FYI – Patients don’t like hearing how tired you are, it makes us nervous, we are not getting a manicure, we are getting poison injected into our bodies.

Sadly, sometimes I feel I get more respect at the Mall than I do at the Hospital.

Lessons Learned: Do what’s right, even if nobody is looking... say what’s right, even if nobody is listening.

People, Abuse, Identity Fraud, Dancing...

April 15, 2011

The Good: Have you ever taken the time to really look at the people in your life? 

“Cancer” gave me an appreciation I never had...and I thank you for that “Cancer”.  Don’t get me wrong, I still hate you “Cancer”, you are the worst thing to have ever entered into my life, obviously I had to find some good in you otherwise you would have consumed me.

I’ve adjusted my life to accommodate you, TEMPORARILY... don’t get used to hanging around though, I want you out of my life forever, but thanks for the appreciation stuff, I’ll hang onto that...

The Bad: Blood work isn’t good, may have to postpone chemo treatments, and now they want to do radiation along with chemo, side by side torture, and I still haven’t fully recovered from surgery... I’ve declined radiation and will revisit down the road, one abuse at a time thank you...

It’s hard to know if the decisions you make are the right ones, how far you push yourself, and when to say when... I see so many people in circumstances similar to mine, or hear about them, and watch them go away.  I’m not afraid of dying; I just don’t want to leave...

The What the ???: I’m having lunch with a friend, and the bill comes, I pay with my credit card, the waiter returns, hands me the receipt to sign, and with a smile says “here you go Jean Johnstone, if that is in fact your real name” and then leaves...

What an odd comment?  Or is it? 

My name is Caloren Molly Jean; some people call me Caloren, others Molly Jean, or just Jean.  Caloren is supposedly an Island, Molly I’m not sure, and Jean is after an Aunt whose name is really Jane but the spelling got mixed up along the way so Jean should have been Jane.  And my Dad called me Jennifer even though he had three other names to choose from...

So the moral of this story is perhaps the waiter is onto something, hmmmmm, how did he know?

Lessons Learned: I bought I card yesterday that say’s “Face the Wind, Walk on Fire and Dance towards your path of true glory.  ~Roxane Tracey~

I have wind burn, my feet are scarred, and I feel it’s now time for me to start Dancing...

Life, Marriage, Taxi Drivers, Death...

April 8, 2011

The Good: Cancer Sucks but it hasn’t sucked the life out of me, these are some of the things I’ve enjoyed since October 26, 2010. 

·       Realizing how much I love my Family

·       Realizing how much I love my Friends

·       Realizing how much I love the one who takes cares of me physically/emotionally

·       Walking and seeing things as if for the first time

·       Doing More and Thinking Less

·       Meals on Wheels from my co-workers

·       Food and Wine

·       Re-connecting in new ways with people I already know

·       100 Days of Happiness

·       Teddy Bears

·       Yoga

·       Shopping

·       Comedy Clubs

·       Cards/ Notes/ E-mails...

·       Kind gestures

The Bad:

On October 25, 2010, I was on the phone with my sister as we booked a cruise for her upcoming wedding. 

On October 26, 2010, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

On April 7, 2011, my sister will be getting married and I won’t be there.

Fuck you Cancer, Fuck You... I hate you for taking this away from me.

The What the ???: I get into a taxi and the driver is really nice, we start chatting and the topic turns to travel, seems we share a similar style and desire for simplicity, the conversation is easy... all of a sudden he says “what are you doing this month, you seem like a good person, we should take a trip together”, I paused for a moment wondering what to answer as in what I’m doing this month... “I have Cancer” I replied... he didn’t hesitate... “You’ll get better, I can tell, and when you do, call me if you’re ever looking for a travel partner” he gave me his phone number; we shook hands and said good night.

Lessons Learned:

Prior to October 26, 2010, the thought of death puzzled and scared me all at the same time. 

After October 26, 2010, the thought of death became real and no longer scares me.

Life Is Good