CRAZY, Suffocating, Attitude, Right...

April 22, 2011

The Good: He came into my life for a short time, and taught me so much... He just found out I have Cancer... I say I’ll be ok... but he cries and reminds me that I can’t control other people’s emotions...

He’s putting together a website that includes motivational, inspirational type messages and asked if I would contribute.  This summed up how I was feeling at that moment, so this will be my first submission. 

CRAZY

Life can be Crazy, and not always the good Crazy that leaves you all warm, fuzzy and excited, but the bad Crazy that leaves you scared and wondering about tomorrow, wishing you’d done more the day before, and the day before that.

My Crazy is Cancer... I was diagnosed on October 26, 2010 and from that moment on my life changed, not all bad Crazy though...

I see things differently; the route I’ve walked for years is unfamiliar, hadn’t really noticed the lines in the trees, or how much I like the peacefulness of winter walks with the snow squeaking against the soles of my boots, or how good it feels drinking hot chocolate as I make my way home. 

Most of all though I’ve noticed the people in my life; new ones who’ve arrived, old ones who came back, and those who have always been by my side; each and every one of them I see in a new light.

Although I feel I have windburn from life, my feet scarred from the journey, all I want to do is dance.  I dance in the morning while getting ready for yet another hospital visit, I dance at lunch after my nurse leaves, and I dance before bed when I think about tomorrow. 

Life can be Crazy, but I’m not ready to leave; I have three wishes I look forward to, and I dance in anticipation of them coming true.

The Bad: I sometimes put a self imposed noose around my neck because I feel like I’m suffocating.  I want this to be done and every day it’s not it get’s tighter... I’m told to embrace this pain, acknowledge and accept it, it’s a reminder that I’m fighting and that I can feel, and I should worry when I stop feeling...

The What the ???: How are you?  “I’m Busy” is the new “I’m Fine”.... and they take their stress tablet each morning and release it throughout the day.

“Why hasn’t your blood results arrived?”

Last time I checked I didn’t work in the lab, I only make donations. 

“Something is wrong with your name!”

Last time I checked it’s been 6 months that I’ve been trying to tell you my last name has an “e” at the end, Johnstone with an “e” but you never listen or even look at me when I talk.

“Why aren’t you being checked for creatinine?”

Last time I checked I didn’t write up the requisition.

“Don’t worry honey; I’m not going to get angry at you for asking for another bandage...”

Last time I checked “honey” a “new” bandage should not have blood on it.

I get that people are busy, what I don’t get is the attitude....

·       Coping Mechanism?  Find a new one...

·       Stressed? Change Jobs...

·       Having a bad day? Take a breath and move on....

FYI – Patients don’t like hearing how tired you are, it makes us nervous, we are not getting a manicure, we are getting poison injected into our bodies.

Sadly, sometimes I feel I get more respect at the Mall than I do at the Hospital.

Lessons Learned: Do what’s right, even if nobody is looking... say what’s right, even if nobody is listening.