May 27, 2011
The Good: If I didn’t have what I have, I’d have slipped into survival mode... I know I would have persevered; it just would have been a long and lonely journey with no one to wipe my brow...
I have 100 Days of Happiness; someone to shake my arm when I’m ready to cry from the pain; a spaze who makes me laugh when I want to cry; a brother/ sister in law who carry me when I’m tipsy and listen no matter the day or time; a sister who says I love you, a brother in law who loves me having known me for such a short time; nieces and a nephew that keep me young at heart and remind me I need to be here longer; juicer friends who hug me longer and harder when I need it most; an ex-husband who kept his heart open to me, his girlfriend who accepted me, an ex-sister in law who reached out; my France connection who sends me inspirational quotes without fail and keeps me strong when I’m feeling weak; the one who reaches for a glass of water to avoid the tears that come when we talk; Martini, martini, martini, you make me smile and shop like a trooper, love those big fingers, I’m your chickpea; girlfriends with No1 Chinese Food, girlfriends who introduce little pink purses as a reminder of friendship; a new acquaintance who wanted to meet and share her desire for me to write; you dangling me and our chats over greasy breakfasts; mad men keeps me busy, keeping in touch with your kind words makes me happy; co-workers who are friends, friends because what each and every one of you do goes beyond work; a friend I’ve lost touch with who wants to reconnect... and my guardian angel who has been there from day one and who has seen the ugly side of cancer , the ugly side of me, and who held me harder than anyone could.
Thank you for the brow wipe, the sweat is more than I could have handled alone...
The Bad: In “Cancer Land” there is a pill for every ache and pain, and a pill to counter affect the side effects of that pill, and another pill for the affects of that one... all of these pills are often worse than what ails me. Prescriptions flow, good intentions translated to a pad, where does it end... bottle after bottle takes up real estate in my kitchen drawer, tossed aside from side effects; afraid to gamble with the unknown. How many of these drug pushers have actually tried the drugs, if they did, would there be more money spent to improve them?
I’m not a pharmacist, nor am I Doctor, I’m a cancer patient who gags each time she has to swallow another pill wondering if I’ll get a rash, heart palpitations, chest pains, nausea, fatigue, constipation, and the list goes on ... minor for the average person perhaps, major for the person who’s body is already being ravaged, I want to run so bad from the Cure....
Chorus from “Just Like A Pill” PINK
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill
The What the ???: I was told “you’re not a plant, you are not rooted, you won’t live and die like this, you were meant to do more and you will”... They meant it as in some people live in one place, in one moment, other people move around in their purpose, and that’s me, and that I haven’t moved around enough to leave... they said I have a purpose that will come in time; I just need to be patient.
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