June 24, 2011
The Good: We met outside the hospital; he having just come from some sort of eye treatment asked if I could watch out for his bus, the 106, or so I thought. “Here it comes sir” I hear myself say...
“Are you trying to lead me astray young lady, this isn’t my bus” as he walks back down the steps towards me. I must have heard #106 instead of #16 ...
As we wait for the #16 he remarks that life could be worse, we could be walking out of that Cancer Clinic... I let him know that is my life and I’m on my way home from treatments.
We talk about the Netherlands where he’s from, his house in Rockcliffe, his wife who is out of town... we talk and he doesn’t pity me like some, just remarks that life must be hard given I’m so young, and that I’m right in the middle of what should be the most exciting part, and I agreed, it should be different and it is hard.
We shared a seat on the bus and talked about Ottawa and how it’s changed over the years, gawked at expensive houses and compared which pubs were best to grab a cold one which was his plan before heading home... At this point the students had taken over our coach and he laughed saying it felt like a school trip and we were the chaperones’!
He touched my leg as he got up and said “good luck sweetheart” and he was gone... The most interesting part of this meeting was that we were both in it, nowhere else, we were in that moment for that period of time and that’s all there was, nothing else, no distractions, we were both just there... part of me wished I had followed him to have that beer, part of me knows that would have ruined the moment.
The Bad: I’m enjoying a glass of wine and food with friends, the conversation is easy and the topic is one of travel, my favourite... the day was spent outdoors, the evening at a Pub relaxing, life is good, for now...
Let’s not get too comfy in that spot of time though... the next day I want nothing more than for someone to hit me over the head with something really hard, to put me out of my misery... are these the strides we’ve taken in cancer treatments... those pub nights are what they refer to as “treatments being manageable”... what about the sledge hammer nights, the ones I still live with as I hear ringing in my ears “oh, but we’ve come so far ...” Hit me over the head already... when I wake up we’ll talk and you’ll know from the bump on my head that it’s not always manageable, nobody should wish for one pain to replace another.
The What the ???: It’s 4:00am and I can’t sleep... if you know me at all you’ll know this isn’t how it used to be, for example, a 7:00am departure time would mean several self checks in the mirror to ensure all that was meant to be was in its place and I’d have a short kick type conversation with left and right to get them out the door so they wouldn’t doze off; colleagues questioned their presence when mine got out of whack and they saw me before 9:00am!
Surprisingly mornings have become my favourite part of the day, I look forward to them; 5:00am or so I’m on my balcony drinking coffee and the only sounds I hear are the birds singing along to the hum of buildings cooling system.
Lessons Learned: There’s a reason someone knocks on your door to bring news, there’s a reason the phone rings instead, and there’s a reason you hear that “ping” sound when an e-mail/text arrives. Agonizing words that try to be warm and fuzzy in the first line... you know what’s to follow won’t be in the same vein... do we all need transfusions??
What happened to “real” communication, and by that I don’t mean the clickety click of a key board, I’m talking about spoken words... have we gone so far backwards that we’ve forgotten what that means to people to actually have a conversation?
There’s a reason this topic bothers me and I’ve been told I’ll be happier once I accept that most people don’t think like me... my way of thinking will likely never change though so I guess I haven’t learned my lesson on this one...
Side Bar: Wednesday was my last FREAKIN day of chemo.... wahooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I almost choked on the toxic little tablets as I did my incredible happy dance in the kitchen J I am sooooooooooooooooo happy to have reached and passed this milestone you have no idea....
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