June 9, 2011
The Good: I went to France in August 2010 with friends... I knew at that time something was wrong, but I had no idea how bad it would be... and I had no idea that I’d reconnect with my hosts almost a year later being in the condition that I’m in now... It was hard seeing them; at first.
Soon after we connected, it was as if no time had passed, I was back in France, and they were being the gracious hosts I remember even though they were on my turf this time. There was an ongoing joke during my visit last year that I was staying at a Five Star Hotel, L’hotel Georges Cing Etoile.. The reason being is they treated me like a star and I loved it.
For those of you who still have your parents around that dote on you in a way you find annoying, treat you like a child, things like that... I lost my parents a while back and to have this again at my age is a feeling that is indescribable; to have someone do your laundry each day, have your breakfast laid out each morning, recognize your habits and cater to them (and I have a lot), share your home, family, friends, it’s like a flash back in time and it feels good, it felt good to be a kid again.
Merci mes amis, J’aime beaucoup le traitement Cinq Etoiles des Martinet!
The Bad: I see you a few times each month for the last seven months, and most times it’s an unpleasant experience... Why? I don’t know... is it just me; No, I see you treat many people the same way; they just look uncomfortable and accept your crap the same way I have.
Today for whatever reason I had an uncontrollable urge to step up on the counter, cross over to your side, and take your head and slam it against the wall, I could actually picture it and I was ok with it... I know this sounds harsh, but we all have our limits and I’ve reached mine with this “Bitch”. Is it a control thing with her... does she think we are weak and we’ll take whatever crap she dishes out... let me tell you something, I’m not weak, I’m still here, and I can kick your ass...
I wonder if she knows we are walking on thin ice right now, next time I see her, I hope she can at least fake a smile and pretend to be professional, because I can’t promise I won’t take a leap!
The What the ???: Someone gave me a moonstone shortly after this nightmare began, it was interesting because we don’t know each other that well, and she happened to have it in her car and decided to give it to me one night after dinner with mutual friends, my journey is nicknamed “moonstone” for no particular reason, and this fit.
I still feel the same way today as when she gave it to me, that it was a very kind gesture, and she parted with a beautiful heart shaped moonstone that belonged to her and she wanted to share it with me... people can surprise you.
The weird part is I’ve had this heart shaped moonstone beside my bed for several months, I see it every night before bed, and each morning when I wake up... and only recently have I seen these shades/ sparks of blue that pop out if you look at a certain angle... I’ve seen this stone at all angles, only recently have I seen the shades of blue.
I thought to myself “what does this mean”...it could mean I never noticed it before, or it could mean I’m seeing something else, as in, seeing what was always there, or maybe it’s something new.
Whatever the reason, I look forward to seeing that sparkle of blue each morning and night, regardless of its purpose, and it will return this moonstone at the end of my journey, it isn’t meant for me to keep.
Lessons Learned: This week was hard for a lot of reasons that I won’t go into, I’m even tired of hearing them... when I find myself falling apart, I try not to call but I do, I call that person who can put me in my place, remind me of who I am and what I’m doing, they put things into neat compartments that I’ve managed to mess up, I call this person because I’d break if I didn’t...
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