People, Same Shit/ Different Poison, Fallen Photos, Moving On ...

July 1, 2011

The Good: Had my physio assessment... major tissue damage, locked muscles, but no frozen shoulder, the therapist is hopeful we can fix this... 

During the assessment, we went through the “standard” hospital questionnaire that I’m all too familiar with.  We get to the section of “are you married” and “do you have kids”, to which I reply “No” and get the same worried look, as in, “you have nobody”.

 People assume that because you’re not married your alone.  During surgery I had someone by my side the entire day, from 10:00am to 11:00pm ignoring visiting hours, I don’t even think they pee’d!  My roommate on the other hand had a visit from her husband for all of 15 minutes, 5 of which were spent on his phone, he then left and said he’d try and come back tomorrow. 

Hospital “rules” didn’t allow someone to be with me unless they were a spouse or family, we found another nurse and played the game, and voila, I had a husband, so much for honesty... screw you and your rules, and I’ll get around them!!!

I have family and friends from childhood, men and women I’ve known since I was a kid that still walk with me... we’ve evolved, or I guess we just grew up together... I can hear the years we’ve shared together in their voice when we talk, more than before, in between hidden tears and stifled chokes I can hear how much I mean to them. 

I’ve had romances/ loves, real ones that are still with me.... Friends I’ve met along the way, the ones I walk with, talk with, share with, and who have become part of my present...

Your forms and opinions mean nothing to me, I have PEOPLE!!

The Bad: I’m on my break from chemo yet the shadow of radiation and more surgery sometimes clouds my excitement.  It scares me to think I’ll go from one poison to another, from one risk to another, from one pain to another... it’s hard to keep dancing when your feet know what direction they must soon go in...

 The What the ???: I was in my cubicle at work, and it’s as if time stood still from the day I left.  The project I was working on that day remains where I left it, my shoes still hanging from my shoe rack filing cabinet, pictures fallen off the fabric walls now re-pinned, and my Dilbert calendar remains on the day I found out I have cancer, October 26, 2010.  It’s as if for those few moments I was thrown back in time and everything stood still, and started all over again, I was back at the beginning when I got the news, and thinking of all the times I’ve fallen along the way like the photos...

Lessons Learned: For those few moments in my cubicle, it reminded me that the last 8 months have been hard, and for the first time I feel like I’m now going somewhere, there is a reason behind this madness and life goes on, my life goes on and will continue for as long as is meant to be, Dilbert is stuck in time, not me...